All the tube news that’s fit to surf …

– One of the biggest questions of the new tube season is how The Jay Leno Show experiment will work out for NBC. The early results aren’t good for the network: From his premiere on Monday, Sept. 14 to his Monday show this week, Leno has lost two-thirds of his audience.

– TheWrap.com has a great piece on the vetting process – or lack thereof – for reality TV contestants, particularly timely in light of the recent Megan Wants a Millionaire scandal.

– K-Fed is among the stars, ahem, who will compete on the next edition of Celebrity Fit Club. His co-stars: Bobby Brown, Baywatch star Nicole Eggert and Shar Jackson, K-Fed’s other ex.

– On Oprah‘s show today: One Day at a Time star Mackenzie Phillips talks about her new autobiography, in which she says she had a 10-year-long incestuous relationship with her father, Mamas and Papas singer John Phillips.

– Steven Spielberg is reportedly developing a Showtime TV series about creating a Broadway show, and that show-within-the-show would eventually hit Broadway. No, that’s not at all confusing.

– J.J. Abrams is producing a medical comedy for Fox.

– Charlie Sheen‘s chatter about quitting Two and a Half Men seems to be little more than a contract negotiation ploy, but at $875,000 an episode, how much more does he need to see in his pay envelope?

– Jennifer’s Body and Juno scribe Diablo Cody will write and produce a big-screen adaptation of the Sweet Valley High books that are a big teen years memory for a lot of us chicks. The books were already adapted into a TV series in 1994, so this also becomes the latest boob tube-to- big screen makeover.

– More scoop from EW.com on Heather Locklear‘s return to Melrose Place: Her Amanda Woodward will be an exec at the PR firm where Katie Cassidy‘s Ella works. In fact, Amanda will be Ella’s boss, meaning: catfights ahead.

– Another sad bit of fallout from Michael Jackson‘s death: People are continuing to pretend LaToya isn’t a whackadoo.

– And tonight in primetime:

– Patrick Swayze will be honored on the first Dancing With the Stars results show of the season (8PM ET, ABC)
– The New Adventures of Old Christine premieres season five at 8PM on CBS
– New America’s Next Top Model at 8PM on The CW
– It’s the third round of auditions on So You Think You Can Dance (8PM, Fox)
– Jay Mohr‘s back for season two of Gary Unmarried at 8:30PM (CBS)
– It’s the season five kick-off for Criminal Minds (9PM, CBS)
– On Glee, Kurt tries out for the football team (9PM, Fox)
– The CNBC special The New Age of Wal-Mart (9PM) examines efforts by the superstore’s execs to re-invent itself
– The snarkfest that is Whatever, Martha premieres season two at 9PM on the Fine Living Network
– Law & Order: SVU begins season 11 (9PM, NBC)
– New ep of The Beautiful Life: TBL on The CW at 9PM
– CSI: NY, season six, begins at 10PM (CBS)
– Vince Vaughn guests on The Jay Leno Show (10PM, NBC)
– Penn & Teller guest star on Top Chef: Las Vegas (10PM, Bravo)
– New Black Gold ep on truTV at 10PM
– Adam hits Philly and noshes on ice cream and cheesesteaks on Man vs. Food (10PM, Travel Channel)
– Newark, NJ mayor Cory Booker announces budget cuts in part three of the Sundance Channel miniseries Brick City (10PM)

NEW SERIES PREMIERE ALERTS:
– MERCY (8PM, NBC) Medical drama focusing on the nurses of a New Jersey hospital.
VERDICT: Eh. Forgettable, and also easily confused with the other single-monikered new medical drama (which is also on NBC), Trauma.

– MODERN FAMILY (9PM, ABC) Ed “Al Bundy” O’Neill is Pritchett family patriarch Jay, who’s titular modern family includes an uptight daughter and High School Musical-loving son-in-law, a much younger wife and her son, and a gay son who has just adopted a Vietnamese baby with his lover.
VERDICT: It’s the funniest new show of the season.

– COUGAR TOWN (9:30PM, ABC) Courteney Cox is a recently-divorced mom of a teenage son who frets that the only dating options in her small town are much younger guys.
VERDICT: It’s worth a few viewings, but the pilot’s laughs come mostly from jokes you’ve either heard elsewhere or will see coming before they leave the actors’ mouths.

– EASTWICK (10PM, ABC) A TV update of the 1987 movie, with Rebecca Romijn and Lindsay Price in the witches roles and Due South star Paul Gross in the Jack Nicholson role.
VERDICT: Better than the average remake (yes, I’m looking at you 90210 and Melrose Place), and has the potential to get even better as the season wears on.