All the tube news that’s fit to surf …

– First, the good news: Last TV season was the least-watched in history for several networks, but this fall season is starting off to be a good one, ratings-wise.

– The not-so-good news: Just two episodes in and The CW has pulled the plug on its Ashton Kutcher-produced drama The Beautiful Life.

– And A&E has canceled the Benjamin Bratt drama The Cleaner after two seasons.

– Fox execs may be wishing they’d kept The Sarah Connor Chronicles instead of Dollhouse, which did not fare well in its season two premiere.

– Oct. 8 is definitely the date of The Office episode with the Jim and Pam nuptials, from which the big smooch photo comes.

– Miss the big F-bomb drop by Saturday Night Live newcomer Jenny Slate in the show’s 35th season premiere? Here’s the edited replay.

– Madonna, on the publicity trail to hype her new greatest hits CD, will hit The Late Show with David Letterman on Wednesday.

– How much do the reality stars of The Hills make? Millions, people. Millions. Sigh.

– Real Housewives of New York City star Kelly Bensimon is posing for Playboy, a fact that will cause a ruckus on the new season of the show according to The New York Post.

– Jon & Kate Plus 8 has lost 9 million (!) viewers since hitting its all-time high this summer. Is this – pleaseohpleaseohplease – a sign that these creeps will be off our pop culture radar soon?

– A cartoon Gordon Ramsay? Some would say he already is something of a cartoon …

– One Life to Live is rumored to be the next daytime soap on the chopping block.

– And tonight in primetime:

– Barney and Marshall have a guys’ night out on How I Met Your Mother (8PM ET, CBS)
– Dancing With the Stars at 8PM on ABC
– The History Channel special Day After Disaster (8PM) examines what would happen in the event of a nuclear attack on Washington, D.C.
– Bishop is back and bent on revenge on Lincoln Heights (8PM, ABC Family)
– Peter meets a woman with new abilities on Heroes (8PM, NBC)
– House quits his job (8PM, Fox)
– Things get worse for Nathan and Hayley on One Tree Hill (8PM, The CW)
– New Accidentally on Purpose on CBS (8:30PM)
– It’s the second season premiere of Lie to Me on Fox (9PM)
– A bacon-themed episode of Unwrapped (9PM, Food Network) includes bacon ice cream and bacon cupcakes
– Georgina decides Dan should be her boyfriend on Gossip Girl (9PM, The CW)
– Alan’s girlfriend moves in on Two and a Half Men (9PM, CBS)
– Casey’s sorority calendar project doesn’t go off as planned on Greek (9PM, ABC Family)
– Lewis Black guest stars on The Big Bang Theory (9:30PM, CBS)
– The Hoarders season finale airs at 10PM on A&E
– New CSI-er Jesse is taken hostage on CSI: Miami (10PM, CBS)
– Bill Maher is the guest and Brad Paisley and Sheryl Crow perform on The Jay Leno Show (10PM, NBC)
– Car-themed cakes are up on Ultimate Cake Off (10PM, TLC)
– Castle gets mixed up with a double murder (10PM, ABC)
– Rachel has to decide if Brad or Taylor will go to Paris with her for Fashion Week on The Rachel Zoe Project (10PM, Bravo)

NEW SERIES PREMIERE ALERTS:
– TRAUMA (9PM, NBC) One of three new medical dramas this season (including two on NBC), Trauma revolves around a team of paramedics in San Francisco.
VERDICT: Meh. The rescue sequences are okay, but the characters … meh. If NBC wants an ER replacement, they’re going about it without any big-name stars, the one thing this drama desperately needs.