TV BOOK: ‘How to Archer: The Ultimate Guide to Espionage and Style and Women and Also Cocktails Ever Written’

TV BOOK: ‘How to Archer: The Ultimate Guide to Espionage and Style and Women and Also Cocktails Ever Written’

The Archer season three finale is upon us this week (Thursday, 10PM, FX), when we find out the fate of Sterling Archer and company as they were fooled into helping Commander Drake (guest star Bryan Cranston) take over the International Space Station.

By the way, how cool have the guest stars been this season: Cranston, Michael Rooker, George Takei, Jack McBrayer? And the whole Archer/Pam hook-up has made this my favorite season yet.

But, since we are about to be Archer-less until the next batch of 13 new episodes premieres (a deal for a fourth season was announced last month), this sweet little HarperCollins paperback you see in the photo is the key to wiling away the time ’til the ISIS gang returns after the season finale.

As the title suggests, it’s Sterling Archer’s complete guide to how to be an awesome spy like he is (well, in his own estimation, anyway).

Sample quotes from How to Archer:

“I normally don’t carry a knife for two reasons. One: this may sound fussy, but I don’t care for the way they affect the fall of my suit jacket.”

“The point is, almost anything can be used as a weapon. And, as with many things in life, the only limit is your imagination: I once killed a guy with a gorgeous Raymor ashtray.” (FOOTNOTE: “Which I regret. Because the ashtray was a gift. From that same guy.”)

“I do not drive an Aston Martin DB5. Mainly because I don’t have a vagina.”

“First and foremost, before we continue I’d like to make one thing perfectly clear: A martini is made with gin. If your martini is made with vodka, it is not, in fact, a martini. And odds are that you have a vagina.”

“Hi. Look down. What do you see? I am hoping — against all hope — that you see a necktie. If you do not, please put this book down and get back to work: that drainage ditch isn’t going to dig itself. If you do see a necktie, but its color is lighter than — or, God forbid, the same as — the color of your shirt, please put this book down and get back to work: you’re probably late to a Mafia staff meeting.”

Bottom line: It’s a fun, laugh-out-loud must-read for Archer fans, as the spy guy complains about having to write exactly 30,000 words, despite the fact that his editors would not let him include a chapter about the awesomeness of cobras.

One small complaint: This book just begs for an audio version, read, of course, by Sterling Archer himself, a.k.a. H. Jon Benjamin. I mean, right?

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