(ALL TIMES ET)

9 and 9:30PM | LIFETIME – SERIES PREMIERE
Roseanne’s Nuts – Roseanne Barr, the star of one of the greatest sitcoms of all time, returns to TV with this reality series, which finds her operating a 40-acre macadamia nut farm in Hawaii. Does the title of the show refer to her farm, or Roseanne herself? As she would, and does, say, a little of both. It’s an entertaining viewing experience either way.

8PM | CBS
Big Brother – The episode’s supposed to unfold the whole story behind why Evel Dick already quit.

9PM | ESPN
ESPY Awards – Seth Meyers hosts the 19th annual sports awards show, live from Los Angeles, where Best Male Athlete nominees include Jimmie Johnson and Aaron Rodgers, Best Female Athlete contenders include Lindsey Vonn and Lauren Jackson, and presenters include Jason Bateman, Justin Timberlake, Cee Lo Green, Danica Patrick and Serena Williams.

10PM | DIRECTV – 4TH SEASON PREMIERE
Damages – The same night Roseanne is back on the tube with her reality series, her former TV hubby, the always fantastic John Goodman, debuts on Damages as Howard T. Erickson, the CEO of military contracting company High Star. And, yes, he’s this season’s bad dude.

10PM | SHOWTIME – SERIES PREMIERE
The Franchise: A Season with the San Francisco Giants – The docuseries follows the Giants as they return to defend their World Series crown, including pitcher Barry Zito‘s early season stint on the DL.

10PM | DISCOVERY – SERIES PREMIERE
One Man Army – Green Beret Mykel Hawke hosts this extreme reality competition, in which special forces  ops, law enforcement officials, mixed martial arts athletes and other extreme sports practitioners are pitted against each other in physical competitions that the average person would have no shot at pulling off.

10PM | FX – 7TH SEASON PREMIERE
Rescue Me – The final season begins, and a new friendship – Janet and Sheila! – spells trouble for Tommy. Meanwhile, Mickey and Teddy start a business together, Black Shawn wants to get more serious with Colleen and Damien is still wheelchair-bound after his accident last season.

10:30PM | ID – SERIES PREMIERE
I Married a Mobster – There are the Mob Wives, and then there are the women in this new reality series – narrated by The Sopranos and Goodfellas star Lorraine Bracco – which details the very non-glamorous lives of real New York mafia wives.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– The top 12 perform on So You Think You Can Dance (8PM, Fox), while Modern Family star Jesse Tyler Ferguson is a guest judge;
– Tonight’s Franklin & Bash episode (9PM, TNT) is titled “Franklin vs. Bash” … uh oh;
– On Royal Pains (9PM, USA), best friends and business partners come to Hank when they worry the cleaning product they sell is making one of them sick;
– On The Challenge: Rivals (10PM, MTV), CT stirs up trouble by trying to pit a couple of the females against each other, but he’s the one in for a surprise;
– Dangerous Liaison: What Happened in Room 2806 (10PM, CNBC) goes behind-the-scenes on the Dominique Strauss-Kahn case;
– Chef Irvine helps a twentysomething revamp her family’s Italian restaurant in Philadelphia on Restaurant: Impossible (10PM, Food Network);
– It’s the season 2 premiere of Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry (10PM, ID), the reality series about spouses who find out shocking truths about the people they married;
– Jon gives a dog owner a makeover on Jon Benjamin Has a Van (10:30PM, Comedy Central).

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Morgan Spurlock, Tyler Perry and the Strokes (REPEAT);
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Matthew Richardson;
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): David McCullough;
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Ryan Gosling;
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Craig Ferguson;
– Lopez Tonight (Midnight, TBS): Randy Jackson (REPEAT);
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Jason Bateman (REPEAT);
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Blake Shelton, Joe Jonas and Gabourey Sidibe;
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): DJ Qualls;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Adam Carolla (REPEAT).

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• Filed in Award shows, Celebreality, Late Night, TV Picks
• Tags: Damages season 4, ESPY Awards, Evel Dick, I Married a Mobster, John Goodman, One Man Army, Rescue Me season 7, Roseanne, Roseanne's Nuts, The Franchise: A Season with the San Francisco Giants

(ALL TIMES ET)

10PM, SUN | HBO – 8TH SEASON PREMIERE
Curb Your Enthusiasm – Larry has second thoughts about his attorney (guest Paul F. Tompkins) when he finds out something he assumed is true isn’t, and then Mr. David has a scrap with some Girl Scouts when he decides he no longer wants to honor his big cookie order.

8PM, SAT | NICK
A Fairly Odd Movie: Grow Up, Timmy Turner! – Drake Bell plays Timmy in this live-action version of The Fairly OddParents. Bell as Timmy is 23-years-old, but he wants to remain a kid forever so he can keep his fairy godparents, Cosmo (Jason Alexander) and Wanda (Cheryl Hines). Until he gets a look at the all-grown-up Tootie.

10PM, SAT | CNBC – SERIES PREMIERE
Princess – Til Debt Do Us Part host and financial guru Gail Vaz-Oxlade hosts this new series, in which women living fabulous lifestyles – and falling deeper and deeper into debt, and possibly ruining their marriages, doing it – get a reality check. In other words, no more spoiled princess once Gail comes into their lives.

8PM, SUN | VH1
Mob Wives Reunion – Remember what they were doing the last time we saw them? So, yeah, this should be fun.

9PM, SUN | VH1
Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew – Sean Young dishes the details of the many ways her career has been negatively impacted by her addiction.

9PM, SUN | ABC
Jaycee Dugard: In Her Own Words – Diane Sawyer interviews the California kidnapping victim, whose book detailing her horrific 18-year-long experience with the evil Phillip and Nancy Garrido is being released on Tuesday.

9PM, SUN | DISCOVERY
Secrets of SEAL Team 6 – We all know some of the stuff they have done. Now we get a peek at just exactly how the elite team goes about doing what they do.

10PM, SUN | VH1 – SERIES PREMIERE
Famous Food – It may be the guiltiest pleasure of the summer, assuming there’s any pleasure involved. Seven D-list celebs, including Heidi Montag, Real Housewives alum Danielle Staub, Bachelor Jake Pavelka and The Sopranos‘ Vincent Pastore, try to launch a restaurant together. Hey, you always knew some of those jokers would end up asking, “Would you like fries with that?” Right?

10PM, SUN | BRAVO
Real Housewives of New Jersey – There’s drama in Caroline‘s family during the holiday season, which will probably make for good viewing. On the other hand, Teresa and Joe get frisky, which will probably make for gag-inducing viewing.

10PM, SUN | FOOD NETWORK – SERIES PREMIERE
Tough Cookies – The Jersey Shore meets Mrs. Fields in this reality series chronicling two sisters who run a cookie biz in Ocean City, New Jersey.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– On Dino Gangs (Sat., 8PM, Discovery), the remains of 68 Tyrannosaurus rexes are found in the Gobi Desert, suggesting they traveled together in a gang and were even deadlier than previously thought;
– The Wall Street sequel, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, makes its TV premiere on HBO (Sat., 8PM);
– On Carson Nation (Sat., 10PM, OWN), Carson travels to Scottsdale to help a stay-at-home mom who needs a full makeover and a transgender woman who has lived as a man for six decades;
– Simon hopes for romance with Tara, but of course the fellas get in his way on The InBetweeners (Sat., 11PM, BBC America);
– Nominations for evictions are revealed on Big Brother (Sun., 8PM, CBS);
– Gigi moves into a new apartment on Jerseylicious (Sun., 8PM, Style);
– A woman crashes her hubby-to-be’s bachelor party and throws down with his ex on Bridezillas (Sun., 9PM, WE);
– On Drop Dead Diva (Sun., 9PM, Lifetime), Jane is waiting for a call from Dr. Bill while representing the mother of a dwarf in a case against a sperm bank;
– Lisa‘s hauling her biggest load ever in hopes of getting a promotion on Ice Road Truckers (Sun., 9PM, History);
– Nate and the team try to thwart a sleazy PR guy on Leverage (Sun., 9PM, TNT);
– On The Next Food Network Star (Sun., 9PM, Food Network), the contestants have to open food trucks and create commercials for them;
– Jessica turns to Bill for advice and Sookie has her hands full with Eric on True Blood (Sun., 9PM, HBO);
– Hal launches a dangerous plan to rescue Ben and the other kids on Falling Skies (Sun., 10PM, TNT);
– On The Glades (Sun., 10PM, A&E), Carlos tries to help a former co-worker he was involved with;
– A twin has to enter WITSEC because of his brother, and Mary has to protect them both (including from each other) on In Plain Sight (Sun., 10PM, USA).

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• Filed in Celebreality, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Movies, Real Housewives, TV Picks
• Tags: A Fairly Odd Movie: Grow Up Timmy Turner!, Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, Curb Your Enthusiasm season 8, Famous Food premiere, Mob Wives reunion, Real Housewives of New Jersey, Secrets of SEAL Team 6, Tough Cookies premiere

(ALL TIMES ET)

10:30PM | COMEDY CENTRAL – SERIES PREMIERE
Jon Benjamin Has a Van – He’s usually known as H. Jon Benjamin, or as the voice of Archer‘s Sterling Archer or the titular burger-slingin’ Bob of Bob’s Burgers, but tonight funny guy Jon Benjamin goes live-action with this funny new mockumentary series in which he drives around in his van and reports on (fake) news. First up: a man who has Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Jon’s joke on his producer, one that ends badly.

CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS FOR TIME AND CHANNEL
Live With Regis and Kelly – Two awesome people being awesome together: Regis‘ guest co-host for the day is national treasure Betty White.

8PM | G4 – SERIES PREMIERE
G4’s Proving Ground – The fun new series is like a MythBusters for pop culture, where memorable moments from video games, TV shows and movies are repeated (or are attempted, at least). First up: weaponry is attached to go-karts to get a Mario Kart thing going.

8PM | ABC FAMILY – 2ND SEASON PREMIERE
Pretty Little Liars – In the return of ABC Family’s best series, the girls’ parents have them talk with a therapist after what happened at the church with Ian, while Caleb visits Hanna and Spencer is warned not to see Toby.

9PM | TNT – 2ND SEASON PREMIERE
Memphis Beat – Dwight and the squad investigate the death of a fellow officer, which becomes an unsettling case when they realize the policeman may have been involved with some unlawful activities.

9PM | ABC FAMILY – SERIES PREMIERE
The Nine Lives of Chloe King – Chloe King turns 16 … and then dies. But it’s a temp death, as her birthday brings her special powers given to her because she’s part of an ancient race of people being pursued by human assassins.

9PM | NBC
The Voice – It’s the second round of quarterfinals and the performances are live.

9PM | USA
White Collar – It’s a hidden treasure – actually, an inheritance – which Peter and Neal find by following clues on a map that was hidden inside a will.

10PM | MTV
16 & Pregnant – Pregnant teen Taylor is considering keeping her baby, though her mom is trying to talk her into putting the child up for adoption.

10PM | FOOD NETWORK
Chopped – Tonight’s ickiest ingredient: picked beef tongue.

10PM | A&E – 6TH SEASON PREMIERE
Gene Simmons Family Jewels – The charm of the show – and okay, it wasn’t a lot of charm – was that the KISS singer’s family seemed surprisingly down to earth. But apparently, he goes and mucks it all up with the many women he loves to brag about, and this season may end up with another celebreality family biting the dust.

10PM | TNT – 3RD SEASON PREMIERE
HawthoRNe – Tom and Christina’s wedding day is at hand, but, of course, nothing goes smoothly. Meanwhile, previous guest star Marc Anthony officially joins the cast as Detective Nick Renata.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– America’s Got Talent auditions continue in Seattle (8PM, NBC);

– On the 3rd season premiere of Cupcake Wars (8PM, Food Network), contestants compete to have their cupcakes featured at the Kentucky Derby;

– On The Looney Tunes Show (8PM, Cartoon Network), Bugs and Daffy go to a spa, but the relaxing stay turns into a competition when they both have their eye on a famous actress;

– The remaining contestants have to master basic skills like chopping apples and cooking a chicken properly on MasterChef (8PM, Fox);

– Braxton Family Values wraps its first season on WE at 9PM, followed by a Wendy Williams-hosted reunion special at 10PM;

– The fleet deals with a major arctic storm on Deadliest Catch (9PM, Discovery);

– On Covert Affairs (10PM, USA), Annie competes with a Mossad agent to turn a Syrian secretary into an asset;

– Host Brian Unger investigates how politics helped determine states’ shapes, including Ohio and Missouri, on How the States Got Their Shapes (10PM, History);

– Iconic sex symbols are the topic on Love/Lust (10PM, Sundance);

– Daniel gets advice from a sexpert on Tosh.0 (10PM, Comedy Central);

– In a classic, and pivotal, episode of Happy Days (10:30PM, The Hub), The Fonz moves into the Cunninghams’ garage apartment.

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Jeff Garlin and Curtis Stone;
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): J.J. Abrams;
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Janny Scott;
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Ryan Reynolds;
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Randy Travis and Josh Turner;
– Lopez Tonight (Midnight, TBS): Steve-O and Cheech Marin;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Ice Cube and Sarah Ferguson;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Betty White and Lauryn Hill;
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Tina Fey (REPEAT);
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Todd Phillips (REPEAT).

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• Filed in Celebreality, Late Night, Teen Mom, TV Picks
• Tags: 16 & Pregnant, Chopped, G4's Proving Ground, Gene Simmons Family Jewels season 6, Hawthorne season 3, Jon Benjamin Has a Van, Memphis Beat season 2, Pretty Little Liars season 2, The Nine Lives of Chloe King series premiere, The Voice, White Collar

Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew, season three, has been scheduled for a Jan. 7 premiere on VH1, and the cast includes former couple Tom Sizemore and Heidi Fleiss, which should prove to be weird and creepy since their tumultuous relationship included his 2003 conviction for assault and battery against her. That can’t be a good idea, or even one that would be permitted in non-celebreality rehab, right?

VH1 has released a “supertrailer” for the new season (watch below), which finds one of the celebs having a seizure and definitely crosses over into that really uncomfortable genre of reality TV that makes you think millions of TV viewers just shouldn’t be privy to this particular moment in anyone’s life.

PS – If you caught the recently-concluded Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew on VH1, you might want to check out a column written by Sex Rehab participant Duncan Roy, who has some very interesting, and not flattering, things to say about Dr. Drew Pinsky.

What’s your take on Dr. Drew and the various Celeb Rehab series? Is it possible that they provide any sort of public service to anyone, or are they just exploitative?

• 2 Comments
• Filed in Celebreality, Reality
• Tags: Celeb Rehab, Celeb Rehab 3, Celebrity Rehab, Dr. Drew, Dr. Drew Pinsky, Sex Rehab, Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew

And it’s the best D-list round up ever. Celebrity Apprentice season three will be filming for the next month in New York City, reports The New York Post, and the cast includes:

– Rock of Love star and Poison rocker Bret Michaels

– America’s Got Talent judge and The Osbournes matriarch Sharon Osbourne

– Former New York Yankee and New York Met Darryl Strawberry

– Disgraced former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich

– Comedian Sinbad

– Pop star Cyndi Lauper (who, the Post reports, was filming the show when she found out about the death of her friend, pro wrestling legend Lou Albano)

– Australian chef Curtis Stone

– Pro wrestlers Bill Goldberg and Maria Kanellis

– Gold medal-winning Olympic swimmer Summer Sanders

– Comedienne/writer/inspiration for Seinfeld‘s Elaine/former Jerry Seinfeld girlfriend Carol Leifer

– And actress Holly Robinson Peete

On the heels of Celebrity Apprentice 2 – won by comedienne Joan Rivers – the third celeb installment of Donald Trump‘s reality series is scheduled to premiere on NBC in March 2010, after the Winter Olympics.

• 1 Comment
• Filed in Celebreality, Reality, TV News
• Tags: Celebrity Apprentice 3, Celebrity Apprentice Bret Michaels, Celebrity Apprentice Donald Trump, Celebrity Apprentice Sharon Osbourne