The Archer season three finale is upon us this week (Thursday, 10PM, FX), when we find out the fate of Sterling Archer and company as they were fooled into helping Commander Drake (guest star Bryan Cranston) take over the International Space Station.

By the way, how cool have the guest stars been this season: Cranston, Michael Rooker, George Takei, Jack McBrayer? And the whole Archer/Pam hook-up has made this my favorite season yet.

But, since we are about to be Archer-less until the next batch of 13 new episodes premieres (a deal for a fourth season was announced last month), this sweet little HarperCollins paperback you see in the photo is the key to wiling away the time ’til the ISIS gang returns after the season finale.

As the title suggests, it’s Sterling Archer’s complete guide to how to be an awesome spy like he is (well, in his own estimation, anyway).

Sample quotes from How to Archer:

“I normally don’t carry a knife for two reasons. One: this may sound fussy, but I don’t care for the way they affect the fall of my suit jacket.”

“The point is, almost anything can be used as a weapon. And, as with many things in life, the only limit is your imagination: I once killed a guy with a gorgeous Raymor ashtray.” (FOOTNOTE: “Which I regret. Because the ashtray was a gift. From that same guy.”)

“I do not drive an Aston Martin DB5. Mainly because I don’t have a vagina.”

“First and foremost, before we continue I’d like to make one thing perfectly clear: A martini is made with gin. If your martini is made with vodka, it is not, in fact, a martini. And odds are that you have a vagina.”

“Hi. Look down. What do you see? I am hoping — against all hope — that you see a necktie. If you do not, please put this book down and get back to work: that drainage ditch isn’t going to dig itself. If you do see a necktie, but its color is lighter than — or, God forbid, the same as — the color of your shirt, please put this book down and get back to work: you’re probably late to a Mafia staff meeting.”

Bottom line: It’s a fun, laugh-out-loud must-read for Archer fans, as the spy guy complains about having to write exactly 30,000 words, despite the fact that his editors would not let him include a chapter about the awesomeness of cobras.

One small complaint: This book just begs for an audio version, read, of course, by Sterling Archer himself, a.k.a. H. Jon Benjamin. I mean, right?

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• Filed in TV Books
• Tags: Archer, Archer Bryan Cranston, Archer season 3 finale, How to Archer book

(ALL TIMES ET)

8:30PM | NBC – 4TH SEASON PREMIERE
Parks and Recreation – So harsh: Leslie (Amy Poehler) has to choose between Ben (Adam Scott) and her dream of running for political office. Meanwhile, one Tammy ex-wife isn’t enough for Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman): his first Tammy ex is headed back into his life, and she looks a lot like big-screen star Patricia Clarkson. Because she is.

8PM | CBS – 5TH SEASON PREMIERE
Big Bang Theory – Penny’s so upset about sleeping with Raj that she considers leaving town, while Sheldon becomes a paintball cap’n on the one-hour season opener.

8PM | ABC – SERIES PREMIERE
Charlie’s Angels – Minka Kelly‘s cool, and that’s the best thing you can say about this lackluster remake of the ’70s “jigglefest” series. So why’s it on my Picks list? Because you might want to see for yourself how badly it fails to live up to original series …

8PM | NBC – 3RD SEASON PREMIERE
Community – The Wire‘s Michael K. Williams guest stars as Jeff’s new biology teacher (who kicks Mr. Winger out of class) and the great John Goodman plays the recurring role of Greendale Vice Dean Laybourne, the head of the Greendale Air Conditioning Repair Annex, and the new thorn in the side of beleaguered Dean Pelton.

8PM | FOX
The X Factor – The early auditions continue. What did you think of the new show and the return of Simon Cowell?

9PM | ABC – 8TH SEASON PREMIERE
Grey’s Anatomy – Meredith is bounced after messing with McDreamy’s clinical trial.

9PM | NBC – 8TH SEASON PREMIERE
The Office – New Sabre CEO Robert California (James Spader) starts his job, but we still don’t know who the new Scranton boss will be ….

9PM | CBS – SERIES PREMIERE
Person of Interest – Love the cast – Jim Caviezel and Lost‘s Michael Emerson – but the pilot of this drama, about a CIA agent who’s presumed dead (Caviezel) and the super wealthy software developer (Emerson) he teams with to try to prevent crimes before they happen, didn’t really grab me. But again, with that cast, and a good general premise (not to mention J.J. Abrams as producer), it’s worth checking out for a few episodes.

9PM | LIFETIME
Project Runway – The designers have to whip up rockin’ threads for the rock band the Sheepdogs, while American Idol alum Adam Lambert is the guest judge.

9:30PM | NBC – SERIES PREMIERE
Whitney – NBC’s Thursday-night comedy line-up has 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation, Community, The Office … and now Whitney. Which one of these things is not like the others? It’s the unfunny one, by which I mean Whitney. But if that promo in which Whitney’s (titular comedienne star Whitney Cummings) busted for eating a cupcake at a wedding entices you to watch anyway, come back and share your feelings with the group, by which I mean the comments, afterwards.

10PM | FX
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – Dennis and Sweet Dee take the gang to the Jersey Shore, where they spent several happy summers. Now … not so happy for them.

10PM | CBS – 4TH SEASON PREMIERE
The Mentalist – Jane is in prison and has to prove the man he killed was Red John.

10PM | NBC – SERIES PREMIERE
Prime Suspect – My biggest issue with this remake of the British female homicide detective drama that originally starred Helen Mirren (and stars Mario Bello in this American remake) is that, after a night of comedy on NBC, do you really want to slide into murder at 10PM?

10:30PM | FX
Archer – The ISIS gang keeps trying to rescue Archer, who doesn’t want to be found, because he’s happily ensconced as the new pirate king on the island.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– Tyler and his mama have an emotional meltdown on Vampire Diaries (8PM, The CW);
– After her trip to the police station after her accident, Snooki gets a visit from her boyfriend and ends up making a jackass of herself, a-gain, on Jersey Shore (10PM, MTV);
– The new documentary series Prison Diaries (10PM, TLC) revolves around female inmates who reflect on the crimes they committed and their lives in jail afterwards;
– It’s the series premiere of Sweet Genius (10PM, Food Network), a new dessert competition series in which pastry chefs compete to win $10,000 for their confections.

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Jonah Hill;
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Jennifer Granholm;
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Tavis Smiley;
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Chris Cornell and Sofia Vergara;
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Jamie Foxx;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Daryl Hall;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Julianna Margulies and Wyatt Cenac;
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Chris Hardwick;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Doug Elin.

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• Filed in Documentary, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Late Night, Music on TV, Project Runway, The Office, TV Picks
• Tags: Archer, Big Bang Theory season 5, Charlie's Angels premiere, Community season 3, Grey's Anatomy season premiere, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Parks and Recreation season 4, Person of Interest premiere, Prime Suspect premiere, Project Runway, The Mentalist season 4, The Office season 8, The X Factor, Whitney Cummings, Whitney premiere

(ALL TIMES ET)

10PM | FX – 2ND SEASON FINALE
Archer – Guess who’s in love? Archer. Yes, playboy Sterling Archer has fallen hard for a KGB agent named Katya, and he even brings her home to meet mom. Mallory, and Archer’s ex, Lana, are less than happy to meet his new beloved though, and that – along with the reappearance of the vengeance-minded Barry – leads to an ending that’s even more surprising, and hilarious, than the idea of Archer settling down.

8PM | FOX
American Idol – Yet again, I’ll say it should be Stefano who gets the boot, but that cheesy Chachi knock-off seems to have staying power, so don’t be too surprised if someone else is sent packing.

8PM | FOX
Bones – Booth calls on his old soldier pal Walter Sherman (7th Heaven star Geoff Stults) to help him with a case, in an episode that sets up a potential Bones spin-off that would star Stults.

8PM | NBC
Community – It’s flashback time, as the group strolls down memory lane, while Troy’s monkey returns and then disappears again, prompting Senor Chang to chase after him. The twist with the flashbacks: We’ve never actually seen them before.

8PM | THE CW
The Vampire Diaries – More flashback fun: We go back to 1941, where we find out the origins of the moonstone curse and see Katherine being introduced to Klaus and Elijah.

9PM | NBC
The Office – Just one week until Steve Carell‘s final episode, and tonight, Michael Scott hosts his finale Dundies. Elsewhere, Erin begins to realize that she really doesn’t like her boyfriend, Gabe. Join the club, sister.

9:30PM | NBC
Parks & Recreation – When Leslie joins an online dating site, she gets paired up with someone she already knows.

10PM | FOOD NETWORK – 2ND SEASON PREMIERE
24-Hour Restaurant Battle – I’m missing Scott Conant on Chopped this season, so it’ll be good to see him back on the tube every week on Battle. In tonight’s season two opener, he welcomes two former couples who duke it out with each other, armed with clam chowder and BBQ octopus.

10PM | NBC
30 Rock – It’s a one-hour episode to mark the show’s 100th episode, but all is not well in the halls of 30 Rock, because TGS has been marked for cancellation, sending Liz Lemon and company into fast and furious action to try to save their jobs.

10PM | BRAVO
Real Housewives of New York City – While Alex tries to make up with the increasingly unlikable Sonja, Ramona and crazy Kelly begin their feud anew. And speaking of Ramona, and crazy, she hits the catwalk again, crazy eyes and all.

11:35PM | NBC – SNEAK PREVIEW
The Voice – American Idol has, yet again, become tiresome, and though the thought of another singing competition series also sounds tiresome, preview clips of The Voice have introduced some interesting concepts, namely that the judges/mentors – Adam Levine, Cee Lo Green, Christina Aguilera and Blake Shelton – can’t see the contestants perform until they’ve committed to working with them. Tonight, NBC gives viewers a 12-minute preview of the show, which premieres on April 26. Are you gonna watch?

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– The 12,000 Bottle Boat (8PM, NGC) follows the adventures of environmentalist David de Rothschild as he builds, and sets sail in, a boat made of 12,000 recycled plastic bottles;
– Henry Rollins guest stars on The Paul Reiser Show (8:30PM, NBC), which is the only reason I can think of to watch this disappointingly lame, wannabe Curb Your Enthusiasm comedy;
– Three episodes of Royal Wedding of a Lifetime (8PM, Lifetime) focus on Kate Middleton‘s dress, the menu for next week’s royal wedding and the similarities between Middleton and Princess Diana;
– For those of you with DirecTV, Beverly Hills 90210 god Jason Priestley makes a great comeback in the Canadian comedy Call Me Fitz (9PM, DirecTV Channel 101), in which he plays a sex-addicted car salesman;
– Nikita (9PM, The CW) comes up with a plan to pull Alex out of Division, but Alex is sent on a mission before Nikita can put her plot into action;
– Sarah Palin is the subject of tonight’s E! True Hollywood Story (10PM, E!);
– Bad news: It’s the second one finale for Chris Elliott‘s cheeky comedy Eagleheart (11:59PM, Adult Swim). The good news: It’s been renewed for a second season.

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Reese Witherspoon;
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Tracy Morgan (REPEAT);
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Ray Kurzweil (REPEAT);
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Steve Martin (REPEAT);
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Bradley Cooper and Duran Duran (REPEAT);
– Lopez Tonight (Midnight, TBS): Tyler Perry;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Christoph Waltz;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Howard Stern (REPEAT);
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Alfred Molina;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Tom Shadyac (REPEAT).

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• Filed in 30 Rock, American Idol, Late Night, Real Housewives, The Office
• Tags: 24-Hour Restaurant Battle, 30 Rock, American Idol, Archer, Bones, Community, Parks & Recreation, Real Housewives of New York City, The Office Dundies, The Vampire Diaries, The Voice

(ALL TIMES ET)

9PM | NBC
The Office – Rumors persist that Will Ferrell might be considered as Steve Carell‘s permanent replacement on The Office, and as the funny guy begins his guest stint tonight, fans will get the chance to evaluate whether or not he’s a good fit. Ferrell’s character? Deangelo Vickers, the new office manager who is subject to Michael’s training, and the staff’s attempts to kiss up.

8PM | FOX
American Idol – I wanna say it’s definitely Stefano who will get the boot tonight, but it’s not like there weren’t equally bad (Haley) performances (Lauren) last night (Casey).

8PM | NBC
Community – Abed takes a TV course, studying the classic sitcom … Who’s the Boss????

8:30PM | NBC – SERIES PREMIERE
The Paul Reiser Show – The Mad About You star tries to pull a Larry David by playing himself (or rather, a somewhat fictionalized version of himself) as he tries to restart his career years after his hit sitcom left the airwaves.

9PM | FOX
Bones – Jo Anne Worley guest stars as a pet psychic. Hello, welcome to 1975, Bones staff, and thanks for one of the most random guest stars ever.

9:30PM | NBC
Parks & Recreation – April and Andy host a dinner party for their friends. Can’t wait to see what’s on that menu.

10PM | NBC
30 Rock – TGS is on the chopping block, which prompts Liz to team up with the only she knows who can possibly located Tracy: Kenneth.

10PM | FX
Archer – Archer heads off to Russia to try and confirm who’s his daddy, but a lot of broken glass and his old nemesis Barry stand in his way.

10PM | FOOD NETWORK – 1ST SEASON FINALE
Ice Brigade – The team fashions a giant chessboard out of ice.

10PM | BRAVO
Real Housewives of New York City – I think we’re going to get the backstory on that “thug in a cocktail dress” comment that’s inspired a line of t-shirts when Alex and Sonja tussle tonight, though, unsurprisingly, Ramona gets into  a little war of her own when she makes a comment about Cindy, to someone else, who relates it back to Cindy.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– When Elena and Stefan attend a school dance, Klaus plots to nab Elena and sacrifice her to end the vampire curse on Vampire Diaries (8PM, The CW);
– A new Bowled Over obstacle is described as “full body bowling” on Wipeout (8PM, ABC);
– Percy sends Michael off to London with orders to kill Nikita, while Amanda forces Alex to submit to a lie detector test on Nikita (9PM, The CW);
– In the sixth season premiere of Randy Jackson Presents: America’s Best Dance Crew (10PM, MTV), the first five crews dance Ke$ha-inspired numbers;
– NYC bike messengers are the subject of the new reality series Triple Rush (10PM, Travel);
– “Dating Game Killer” Rodney Alcala is the topic on True Crime with Aphrodite Jones (10PM, ID);
– Chris looks for an old friend and uncovers a secret along the way on Eagleheart (11:59PM, Cartoon Network).

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Matthew Morrison, Alexis Bledel and Queens of the Stone Age;
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Ricky Gervais;
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Caroline Kennedy;
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Seth Myers and Carmelo Anthony;
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Tyler Perry and Bright Eyes;
– Lopez Tonight (Midnight, TBS): Anne Hathaway, Anthony Anderson and Sum 41;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Tom Arnold and Alison Brie;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Chris Pratt and Kathy Bates (REPEAT);
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Kristen Bell and Jason Aldean;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Florence & the Machine (REPEAT).

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• Filed in 30 Rock, American Idol, Late Night, Real Housewives, The Office, TV Picks
• Tags: 30 Rock, American Idol, Archer, Bones, Community, Ice Brigade, Parks & Recreation, Real Housewives of New York City, The Office Will Ferrell, The Paul Reiser Show

(ALL TIMES ET)

8PM | FOX
American Idol – Adam Lambert returns to perform, as the first of the 13 finalists gets the boot in the results show. A few thoughts on last night’s performance episode: It’s great to see Randy finally stepping up and giving real critiques; while Steven Tyler was entertaining in the audition rounds, so far, he’s proven himself to be almost as useless as an incoherent Paula Abdul when it comes to constructive comments in the performance shows; and, though Jennifer Lopez has been my favorite of the judges this season, it was off-putting that she didn’t know who Ryan Adams is. Overall, I’m finding the season to be more pleasant than seasons past, but I’m also less compelled by any one contestant. They’re still, on the whole, picking bad songs, the females aren’t distinguishing themselves at all (except for the fact that they’re apparently raiding the old Dynasty wardrobe – those dated dresses!) and while lots of people seem to be impressed with Cowboy Scotty, am I the only one who thinks he’s just been doing an okay impersonation of Garth Brooks, in both his behavior and his performances?

8PM | CBS
The Big Bang Theory – All of a sudden, Leonard has too many women in his life: Priya, and Penny, who Priya wants out of his life.

9PM | FOX
Bones – Booth calls on his military training to help him track Jacob Broadsky, the guy who killed the Grave Digger and has now moved on to new targets. Elsewhere, ZZ Top-er Billy F. Gibbons returns as Angela’s daddy, who thinks it should be up to him to name her baby.

9PM | CBS
CSI – The CSIs investigate the murder of a former cop, who was convicted of killing his wife and was killed while serving his prison sentence. He also left behind a list of people he suspected in his wife’s murder, leading the team to reconsider his conviction in the process.

10PM | FX
Archer – Malory orders Lana to help actress Rona Thorne prepare to play a spy in her new movie, and takes the opportunity to pen a little role for herself in the thriller.

10PM | FOOD NETWORK
Ice Brigade – On the heels of last week’s working ice pool table, tonight the team builds an icy DJ booth, with working ice turntable, speakers and headphones.

10PM | MTV
Jersey Shore – The Situation, whose role on the show this season has been greatly diminished, tries to stir up trouble by poking Ronnie to find out who Sammi‘s been texting. Meanwhile, Vinny and Pauly road trip to Staten Island.

10PM | NGC
Ultimate Factories – This week’s episode goes inside the Jack Daniel’s factory in Tennessee, while next week’s installment revolves around a visit to a Coca-Cola factory in Baton Rouge. Clever scheduling.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– CNBC has a new installment of How I Made My Millions (9PM);
– On Man vs. Wild (9PM, Discovery), snakes, leeches and a torrential downpour greet Bear in Borneo;
– My Big Redneck Intervention (9PM, CMT) finds a country girl who got used to life in the big city returning home;
– Kate is hired by a singer who wants to convince his bandmates to allow their song to be used in a commercial on Fairly Legal (10PM, USA);
– A doctor is found murdered on a golf course on The Mentalist (10PM, CBS);
– Twins from his past visit Chris on Eagleheart (11:59PM, Adult Swim).

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Seth Rogen;
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Trey Parker and Matt Stone;
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Jeff Greenfield;
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Adam Sandler and Chris Colfer (REPEAT);
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Aubrey Plaza and Ashton Kutcher (REPEAT);
– Lopez Tonight (Midnight, TBS): Pee-wee Herman and the cast of Sister Wives;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Henry Winkler and Cameron Diaz (REPEAT);
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Snooki and Martin Bashir (REPEAT);
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Kevin McKidd and Wanda Sykes;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Brooklyn Decker (REPEAT).

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• Filed in American Idol, Late Night, TV Picks
• Tags: American Idol, Archer, Bones, CSI, Ice Brigade, Jersey Shore, The Big Bang Theory, The Mentalist, Ultimate Factories NGC