Miami Social
Star Rating: 2 out of 5

Stars: Sorah, Michael, Maria, Ariel, George, Katrina and Hardy

The Big Idea: We meet and quickly learn to despise a group of Miami friends who claim to be the hipster doofus elite among the city’s movers and shakers

To Watch or Not to Watch: Eh. If you’ve seen The Hills, Miami Social is like The Hills: The Next Generation, with the inanity cranked up a notch or ten because, hey, these people are twice as old as The Hills gang, no matter how many cosmetic procedures or tanning sessions they undergo to try and mask that fact.

They’re all annoying in their own ways, trust me, but there are two special reserved slots on the Reality TV People You’ll Want to Bitch Slap at First Site list: The first is for Ariel, a model-turned-fashion show producer who, given to namechecking and thinking he’s all that, defends the honor of Kim Kardashian on one hand, and, in an upcoming episode, demands that an overweight woman be removed from his table. DIY porn stars? Good enough to be in Ariel’s presence. But don’t you dare let someone whose body fat exceeds 10 percent near him!

Then there’s George, a mortgage banker who lives in the same building as ex-wife Sorah and continues to dump his emotional baggage on her. His current heavy load: Lina, his whackadoo Russian girlfriend. Lina picks fights with wussy George and then dons Fredericks of Hollywood-ish gear to get him back in line, only to take off on a work trip and lie to him about what continent she’s actually on. More fighting ensues, after which whipped puppy George answers her demand that he pick her up at the airport. In fact, George is so pathetically led around by Lina that he doesn’t need a bitch slap so much as he needs to put on a pair of big boy pants (and not the white, gauzy bottoms he seems so fond of wearing) and send his scary cartoon of a mate back to the Boris and Natasha cartoon from whence she sprang.

As for the rest of the characters, you’ve seen them all before (some literally … see TV Screener Tidbits below), and just because they’re now living on sandy beaches, drinking in trendy hot spots and obsessing on the minutiae of their boring relationships on the other side of the country, it doesn’t mean it’s gotten any less tiresome.

TV Screener Tidbit: You’ve seen two of these reality “stars” before: Hardy, dubbed by his friends as the mayor of Miami nightlife, was a competitor on Big Brother 2 (the season that also introduced us to Dr. Will and Mike Boogie), while real estate go-getter Katrina was among the runners-up to Bill Rancic on the first season of Donald Trump‘s The Apprentice.

Miami Social premieres Tuesday, July 14, at 10PM ET on Bravo

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All the tube news that’s fit to surf …

– Ed McMahon, TV land’s greatest sidekick as Johnny Carson‘s announcer on The Tonight Show, has died at age 86. The Hollywood veteran had reportedly been battling bone cancer, among other illnesses.

– Yes, it’s true, we sadly haven’t seen the last of Jessica Simpson on reality TV. Simpson will star in The Price of Beauty for VH-1, where she’ll travel around the world and “study the local fashions, dietary fads and beauty regimes and even participate in some of the extreme practices she discovers.”

– Jon and Kate Gosselin confirmed that they’re separating on last night’s Jon & Kate Plus 8 (as if People.com’s confirmation that they’d filed divorce papers earlier in the day didn’t make their announcement moot), and now the speculation is already starting about a possible custody battle.

– Producer/writer Bryan Fuller has left Heroes again, which means there’s little chance of the tired show returning to its first-season glory.

– The View co-host, and Celiac disease book author, Elisabeth Hasselbeck is being sued by another Celiac disease book author, who claims E.H. stole her idea.

– Bravo is launching a new series in which host Andy Cohen will talk about … other Bravo series.

– And tonight in primetime:

– The fourth season premiere of America’s Got Talent (9PM ET, NBC), with newbie host Nick Cannon
– The series premiere of NYC Prep (10PM, Bravo)
– The Real Housewives of New Jersey Watch What Happens Reunion (9PM, Bravo)
– The second season premiere of The Cleaner (10PM, A&E)
– The premiere of the Battle of the Network Stars-ish The Superstars (8PM, ABC)
– Cloris Leachman and Theo Huxtable, a.k.a. Malcolm-Jamal Warner guest star on HawthoRNe (9PM, TNT)
– The finale of Life After People on History Channel (10PM)
– Rescue Me‘s creative resurgence continues on FX (10PM)
– And Ted learns about Phil and Lem’s fight club – make that a medieval fight club, in the Veridian basement – in a hilarious new episode of Better Off Ted (9:30PM, ABC)

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• Tags: America's Got Talent, Andy Cohen, Better Off Ted, Bravo, Bryan Fuller, Cloris Leachman, Ed McMahon, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Hawthorne, Heroes, Jessica Simpson, Jon and Kate Gosselin divorce, Malcolm-Jamal Warner, Nick Cannon, NYC Prep, Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion, Rescue Me, The Cleaner, The Price of Beauty

NYC Prep
Star Rating: 4 out of 5 for its potential as the guilty pleasure of the summer

Stars: PC, Jessie, Taylor, Sebastian, Kelli and Camille

The Big Idea: Bravo’s latest reality drama follows some Richie Riches, a.k.a. a group of Upper East Side Manhattan prep school students who, despite their claims in interviews to the contrary, desperately want to be the real-life equivalents of the Gossip Girl gang.

To Watch or Not to Watch: If you like Gossip Girl, or wonder what some of the Real Housewives of New York City were probably like in high school, yes. Which of the wealthy, fashion-obsessed, spoiled, fake ID-possessin’, potty-mouthed teens will be your fave? That all depends on which Gossip Girl character is your favorite.

Do you like …

Chuck Bass? Then you probably won’t like, but will certainly recognize an obvious wannabe Chuck in PC, the suit-attired, tight-trousered senior who’s said to be the most popular guy on the NYC prep school scene. He does seem to know everyone, and impresses his friends by scoring front row seats to a Fashion Week show, but he also, during a meet-up with his former girlfriend/current just-friend Jessie, throws a water bottle at Jessie and calls her the C-word. Yes, that C-word. Chuck Bass he ain’t, even if he donned a dapper ascot.

Blair Waldorf? Meet Camille, the Harvard-obsessed junior who plans to get a perfect score on the SAT so she’ll be admitted to her dream school. Overachieving Camille also sees herself as the school social director, is on the hunt for a boyfriend even though no one seems to live up to her standards and shakes off the pressures of her ambitious lifestyle by using her fake ID to go clubbing at the hottest New York hotspots. Put a headband on her brunette noggin’ and swap Harvard for Yale and she’s ready for her own Dorota.

Nate Archibald? Then you’ll spot Sebastian as the obvious pretty boy of the group, though he certainly doesn’t have the sweetness of the TV show version of GG‘s Nate. What he does have – and what seems to be the sum of his appeal to the young ladies he claims to hook up with by the plenty – is the ability to drop a few French phrases and a mop of hair that makes him look like what would happen if a Jonas brother and Joey Lawrence mated … whoa! Sebastian also has an uber-annoying habit of flipping his bangs every few seconds. The first NYC Prep drinking game? Chug every time Sebastian swings his long locks away from his face. You’ll be sloppy by the end of his first segment.

Jenny Humphrey? Hello Taylor, the 15-year-old who – quel horror! – goes to public school. Yes, it’s a very competitive public school, but Taylor still doesn’t totally fit in with her wealthier friends, who, as she says, don’t think anything of spending $500 a day dining out (including picking up her tab when they go out). Taylor also seems to attract the attention of fellas like Sebastian and PC, who’s still put off when Taylor is like, so un-coo-el when she gets excited about seeing Amanda Bynes at Fashion Week. Yeah, okay, so Amanda Bynes is sorta uncool. Still.

And the rest of the gang: Jessie, a senior who says she treats her clothing like it’s her children and who wants to be in the fashion biz (what the world needs now); and Kelli, the 17-year-old aspiring pop star whose parents live in the Hamptons, leaving Kelli and her teen brother to reside by themselves in a swanky Upper East Side apartment.

So, is NYC Prep in the same league as Bravo’s addictive Housewives series? Initially at least, not quite, though you’re likely to find yourself just as unable to look away from these children who, on a daily basis, buy dinners most people would have to save up for.

TV Screener Tidbit: Lest you knock yourself out trying to find out which prep schools host the Prep squad, check out the show’s Wikipedia page for the scoop.

NYC Prep premieres Tuesday, June 23, at 10PM ET on Bravo

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All the tube news that’s fit to surf …

– American Idol producers say there was no funny business with those AT&T text-messaging services that gave Kris Allen fans the chance to throw extra votes his way. You buying it? Well, then, read this story, in which one fan says the AT&T set-up helped her cast more than 10,000 votes for Allen. Whuuut?!

– John Lithgow as a serial killer on the new season of Dexter? Brilliant.

– Another surprising bit of casting: Freddie Prinze Jr. will play Davis Cole, the new CTU Field Ops head who wants to be just like Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) on season eight of 24. Not a name that would have popped into my head to play mini-Jack, but 24‘s castings have always been flawless, so I’ll trust that this one will be no exception.

– Clearly, I’m not the only one who finds Wipeout charming. And you have to love any show that puts John “Skunk Boy” Henson back on the tube every week.

– With the Gosselins‘ problems still major tabloid fodder, USA Today has a rundown of some other famous reality TV families, and the one thing that’s true about all of them: Being on TV only seemed to make their problems worse.

– Cindy Brady’s (Susan Olsen) writing a book about the bizarre bit of TV history that was The Brady Bunch Variety Hour.

– Now that the networks’ fall skeds are set, they’ve begun recasting some of their pilots. Sorry to see 24‘s Michelle Dessler (Reiko Aylesworth) out of a job.

– More 24 news: Jack Bauer and Captain Kirk will be presenting an award at Sunday’s live MTV Movie Awards.

– And, this Real Housewives business may quickly spiral out of control. Reportedly also on the list of upcoming spin-offs: Real Housewives of Chicago. Not that there’s anything wrong with that … just that there’s not gonna be much non-Housewives room left on the Bravo schedule soon if they roll out all these rumored spin-offs.

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You know that book The Real Housewives of New York City stars Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen have been talking about writing, the one in which they’ll dispense the parenting wisdom that has helped them turn out the kid who stabbed their friend’s $30 burger, rendering it inedible, during a fancy dinner? Well, it’s a definitely go.

Alex and Simon have landed a deal with Sterling & Ross Publishers to pen their book Little Kids, Big City: Tales from a Real House in New York City (With Lessons on Life and Love for Your Own Concrete Jungle). Huh.

I actually think, as a couple, Alex and Simon take some unfair hits … yes, they are rarely away from each other (is that a bad thing?), but they do seem to genuinely love each other. And yes, I’m a little creeped out anytime Simon even says the word “Speedo,” but they appear to be a real, warm couple, which is more than you can say about any other couple on The Real Housewives of NYC, especially since most of the other couplings seem to revolve largely around all things financial.

Having said that, I probably would not go to the van Kempens for parenting advice. And I definitely would not go to Francois and Johan’s ‘rents for baby-naming advice.

How ’bout you? Do you love ’em, hate ’em, get skeeved out by ’em? And will you buy their book?

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• Tags: Alex McCord, Bravo, Real Housewives of New York City, Reality TV, Simon van Kempen