(ALL TIMES ET)

10PM | MTV – 3RD SEASON PREMIERE
16 & Pregnant – Yup, I’ve read all the arguments against the show, and it’s true that the celeb mags have helped turn the teen mamas, unfortunately, into D-list celebs. Still, it’s tough to imagine that the series hasn’t opened some teenage eyeballs to the truth about just how devastating becoming a teen mom can be. In tonight’s season opener, a teen mom not only has the usual stresses of teen mommyhood to deal with, but she’s also being torn between her babydaddy and her twin sister, both who are demanding her attention.

8PM | NBC
The Biggest Loser: Couples – If only all exercise was this much fun: As the contestants begin to compete as individuals, they go rock climbing, zip lining and bungee jumping.

8PM | COOKING CHANNEL
Eat Street – On tonight’s episode of the show devoted to the best food trucks in the country, it’s the NYC foodie experience everyone should experience: The Big Gay Ice Cream Truck. Get the vanilla soft serve with Trix, or, for the Maude/Golden Girls devotees, the Bea Arthur.

8PM | FOX
Glee – Cheyenne Jackson guest stars. Oh yeah, so does Gwyneth Paltrow.

8PM | THE CW
One Tree Hill – The impossibly adorable Jamie gets a new sibling when Haley gives birth to her second child.

9PM | FOX
Raising Hope – Jerry Van Dyke guest stars as Maw Maw’s (Cloris Leachman) new boyfriend. Man friend. Really, really old man friend.

10PM | ABC
Body of Proof – Mad Men star Christina Hendricks guest stars in the new drama that also happens to star her real-life hubs, Geoffrey Arend.

10PM | FOOD NETWORK
Chopped – It’s back with new episodes! And in the dessert basket: cheese crackers and fruit.

10PM | NBC – 2ND SEASON FINALE
Parenthood – Adam’s upset about Max, Sarah’s upset about Amber after the accident and Crosby is upset Jasmine hasn’t visited his new home in the season two ender. Here’s hoping it all leads to a well-deserved third season.

10:30PM | PLANET GREEN – SERIES PREMIERE
Dresscue Me – The new reality show stars Shareen Mitchell, a clothing stylist whose specialty is reworking vintage clothing. In the opener, she performs makeover magic on an Army wife who hasn’t seen her husband in months.

10:30PM | COMEDY CENTRAL
Sports Show with Norm McDonald – Barry Bonds and Kobe Bryant‘s homophobic slur are among the topics that catch Norm‘s attention in week two of his new show, one of the freshest, funniest new series on the tube so far this year.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– Trina ‘fesses up to her DUI on Braxton Family Values (9PM, WE);
– Week five results are revealed on Dancing With the Stars (9PM, ABC);
– New Deadliest Catch on Discovery (9PM);
– Mike can’t relax around a male masseuse on Traffic Light (9:30PM, Fox);
– Brent and Josh promise not to argue before the second annual Harvest Festival on Fabulous Beekman Boys (10PM, Planet Green);
– More piggies run amuck on Hogs Gone Wild (10PM, Discovery);
– A woman gets away with murder, almost, on I (Almost) Got Away With It (10PM, ID);
– Marcel makes a carrot cake that looks like a camp fire for a celebration honoring volunteer firemen on Marcel’s Quantum Kitchen (10PM, Syfy).

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Tina Fey and Dr. Sanjay Gupta;
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Billy Crystal (REPEAT);
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Andrew Chaikin (REPEAT);
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Katie Couric (REPEAT);
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Robert Pattinson (REPEAT);
– Lopez Tonight (Midnight, TBS): Gary Busey, Lee DeWyze and Dax Shepard;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Dwayne Johnson and Sammy Hagar;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Russell Brand (REPEAT);
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Kathy Griffin;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Janelle Monae (REPEAT).

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• Filed in Glee, Late Night, Mad Men, TV Picks
• Tags: 16 & Pregnant, Body of Proof, Chopped, Dresscue Me, Eat Street, Glee, One Tree Hill, Parenthood, Raising Hope, Sports Show With Norm McDonald, The Biggest Loser: Couples

All the tube news that’s fit to surf …

– Beverly Hills 90210 alum, and recent Sarah Connor Chronicles comeback kid, Brian Austin Green may become the newest One Tree Hill resident, now that Hilarie Burton and Chad Michael Murray are hitting the bricks. An aside: Is it a prereq to have three names to be the lead dude on that show?

– Eminem, Bruno, staged, yes.

– The New York Post has a photo of Adam Lambert and his rumored boyfriend. Doesn’t the BF sorta look like Shia LaBeouf?

– Whatever happens in Vegas will show up on TV when Top Chef heads to Sin City for season six.

– Here’s one of TVGuide.com’s funnier lists: “TV Fat Guys with Hot Wives.” They forgot Mark Addy and Jami Gertz from Still Standing, though. Anyone else they forgot?

– Yes, in between fake apologizing on The Hills and ticking off his fellow D-listers on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, Spencer Pratt is indeed trying to become the next Vanilla Ice.

– And I have to agree with Time mag’s James Poniewozik, who gives Spencer the award for “The Greatest TV Line of 2009” when he told NBC honcho Ben Silverman about the rest of the has-been/never-were cast, “This cast is devaluing our fame!” The truly sad thing is, Spencer probably has a point. I doubt Frangela or Sanjaya are pulling down the kind of bank Speidi is pulling down with their club appearances and … whatever else it is they do to make cash.

– One more Speidi item: TMZ claims that, after quitting the show twice during last night’s premiere, the Pratts quit – for reals – after the live portion of the show.

– Ex-lovers Heidi Fleiss and Tom Sizemore, whose relationship was tempestuous, to put it mildly, will reunite as co-stars on the new season of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. That cannot possibly be something that would ever be allowed to happen in real-life rehab, could it?

– And the Emmys will air a week earlier than planned this year. Because of a football game.

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• Filed in American Idol, Celebreality, Reality, TV News
• Tags: Adam Lambert, Beverly Hills 90210, Brian Austin Green, Bruno, Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, Chad Michael Murray, Eminem, Emmys, Frangela, Heidi Fleiss, Hilarie Burton, I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, One Tree Hill, Sanjaya, Sarah Connor Chronicles, Speidi, Spencer Pratt, terminator, The Hills, Tom Sizemore, Top Chef, TV Fat Guys with Hot Wives

All the tube news that’s fit to surf …

– The year’s biggest American Idol shocker could turn out to be that Kris Allen earned himself a spot in the final two with his memorable spin on Kanye West‘s “Heartless” on last night’s Idol.

– Jim Krasinski says to expect a cool Jim/Pam story in Thursday night’s fifth-season finale of The Office.

– Discovery Channel is planning a high-def sequel to its incredible Planet Earth series, called Wild Planet: North America.

– Mark Valley, who’s gotten lost in the shuffle on shows like Boston Legal and Fringe after his terrific, but cancelled-too-soon dramedy Keen Eddie, may finally have landed another great series. Fox is reportedly moving forward with Human, based on a DC Comic, in which Valley stars as Christopher Chance, a guy who offers security for hire services by assuming the identities of people in danger (i.e. he becomes the “target” for them). Jackie Earle Haley and Chi McBride are also among the cool cast.

– Alanis Morissette will play Nancy’s (Mary-Louise Parker) baby doctor when Weeds begins its fifth season on June 8.

– Chad Michael Murray and Hilarie Burton will not be returning to One Tree Hill next season, as has been the rumor for months.

– Guess who thinks there should be a Creed-centric episode of The Office? Creed. I totally agree.

– Like Rodney Dangerfield, Tony Danza is going back to school. Danza, who admits that “nobody’s knocking down (his) door for acting jobs,” will teach 10th grade English in a New York City school, and film the whole experience for an A&E reality series. That’s one of the more interesting, and least sleazy, reality show ideas to pop up in quite a while.

– A&E is all about the celebreality genre next season, in fact, with other new shows on the horizon from Shaq, Bob Saget, MC Hammer and Steven Seagal, while most of the network’s other new shows fall into the crime drama category. The best news: Parking Wars will be back for another season.

– Jamie Foxx will host the BET Awards on June 28 in Los Angeles, with performances by Ne-Yo and Maxwell.

– Starz has given Party Down, an underrated comedy that you should be watching, a second-season pick-up.

– And Paulina Porizkova explained her firing from America’s Next Top Model to Craig Ferguson last night.

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• Filed in American Idol, Celebreality, Comedy, Drama, TV News
• Tags: A&E, America's Next Top Model, American Idol, BET, BET Awards, Bob Saget, Celebreality, Chad Michael Murray, Craig Ferguson, Creed Bratton, Hilarie Burton, Jamie Foxx, Jim Krasinski, Kris Allen, Mark Valley, Mary-Louise Parker, One Tree Hill, Parking Wars, Party Down, Planet Earth, Reality, Starz, The Office, Tony Danza, Weeds

Since it’s the official launch day of TV Screener, and hopefully I’ll get to know what you love and don’t love about TV, it seems like the perfect time to share what I love most about the tube. So here’s the first 10 of 50 things I love … parts 2-5, i.e. numbers 11-50, will unspool throughout the rest of the week.

1. Jack Bauer
It may not be politically correct in this Gitmo-closing political climate to say so, but if loving Jack Bauer is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

2. 24
The sole reason Monday is one of my favorite days of the week. Like its central hero, Jack Bauer, the show has taken a lot of knocks throughout its run for its portrayal of government agents using torture tactics to get info out of bad guys. It may be a fair point. But, as the show’s producers have suggested, if you’re going to hold 24 culpable for suggesting the use of torture is justified, you’ve also gotta give the show credit for the pre-Obama first black (TV) President of the United States, David Palmer (Dennis Haybert), R.I.P.

3. Seinfeld
It just keeps getting funnier, even after the 87th viewing. And if you don’t think it’s the single funniest show ever to grace primetime, you may just be a doodiehead.

4. Gossip Girl
Chuck Bass, my current pick for Best TV Bad Boy.

5. The Real World
Some seasons, obviously, are better than others, and by the time Real World 43 is set in Youngstown, Ohio, maybe I won’t watch. But for now, yep, still watching.

6. Neil Patrick Harris
The celeb whose career and ‘tude all former child stars should aspire to emulate. He’s consistently funny, is a self-professed huge TV fan himself, has handled all the hubbub about his personal life gracefully and has both poked fun and paid homage to his Doogie past. What’s not to love about NPH?

7. Chuck
It’s funny, it’s clever, it’s got heart and it’s got a deep bench of great characters and great actors and actresses playing them. The show’s also rife with pop culture references that make it clear it’s a labor of love for those making it, as well as a perfectly cast line-up of guest stars, with fanboy (and girl!) favorites like Scott Bakula, Bruce Boxleitner, Chevy Chase, Morgan Fairchild and the always awesome Gary Cole. Here’s hoping an announcement that the show will return for a third season comes soon.

8. TV on DVD
Any time you feel like there’s nothing current worth watching on TV, 1) You’re wrong … there’s always something good on somewhere, and 2) There’s always some good TV DVDs worth buying or dropping in your Netflix queue. Like 24, Seinfeld, The Wire, The Sopranos, Arrested Development, Chappelle’s Show, Freaks and Geeks, The Job, Mad Men, Lost, Dexter, The Office (U.S. and U.K. versions), Gilmore Girls, M*A*S*H, Star Trek, Maude, Reno 911!, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Saturday Night Live, Little House on the Prairie …

9. TiVo/DVRs
Remember life before them? All that matters is, it sucked.

10. One Tree Hill
Doesn’t get enough love. And P.S. – the show actually employed that jumping-five-years-ahead device a whole season before Desperate Housewives did it. Plus, the show features the adorable, scene-stealing kid actor Jackson Brundage, one of the few TV child stars who doesn’t make you cringe when he hits the screen.

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• Filed in I Love TV!
• Tags: 24, Chuck, DVD, Gossip Girl, Jack Bauer, Neil Patrick Harris, One Tree Hill, Seinfeld, The Real World, TiVo