(ALL TIMES ET)

11PM | MTV – SERIES PREMIERE
Chelsea Settles – 23-year-old Pittsburgh native Chelsea moves to Los Angeles to pursue her dream of a career in the fashion industry. Her extra challenge: she’s plus-sized, meaning she’s trying to break into an industry that is not so accepting of anyone who doesn’t wear size 6 or smaller. But I dare you not to root for Chelsea to succeed. Double dare you, even!

8PM | ABC – SERIES PREMIERE
Last Man Standing – Tim Allen‘s back in this sitcom which is exactly like Home Improvement, if a) Tim Taylor had daughters instead of sons and b) wasn’t funny.

8PM | CBS
NCIS – Abby (Pauley Perrette) learns something surprising about her family when she volunteers to be a kidney donor.

9PM | WE
Downsized – Laura and Todd consider going to counseling to work out their financial disagreements, while Bailey worries about paying for her senior photos.

9PM | THE CW
The Ringer – Gemma asks for a favor that could ruin Bridget’s life, and Henry gets some bad news about his writing career.

10PM | FOOD NETWORK
Chopped – Among the mystery basket goodies: edible flowers.

10PM | MTV – 2ND SEASON PREMIERE
I Used to Be Fat – The inspirational show where teens try to get healthy and change their lives before heading off to college returns with Josh, a 310-pound teen who wants to lose weight so he can play sports with his family.

10PM | NBC
Parenthood – Sarah and Mark fans, turbulence ahead: Seth (John Corbett) returns.

10PM | FX
Sons of Anarchy – Oh, Juice. That missing package of drugs is causing all kinds of problems for the club, as is the pressure Juice is under from new lawman Roosevelt. Meanwhile, Clay’s plan for Tara is making for some very scary potential storylines in Charming, i.e. the show has gotten soooo good in the last few weeks.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– Mike Epps hosts the sixth annual Hip Hop Awards (8PM, BET);
– The players try to win letters from home on The Biggest Loser (8PM, NBC);
– Someone gets kicked to the curb on Dancing With the Stars (8PM, ABC);
– Hetty reveals some details to Callen about his past on NCIS: Los Angeles (9PM, CBS);
– On Unforgettable (10PM, CBS), when a crime scene is destroyed by a fire, Carrie’s memory of the scene provides the only clues for a murder investigation.

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Merle Haggard and Will Arnett;
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Hugh Jackman (REPEAT);
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Mark Cuban (REPEAT);
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Matthew Broderick;
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Julie Bowen;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Don Rickles;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Samuel L. Jackson;
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Steven Wright;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Roy Choi.

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• Tags: Chelsea Settles, Chopped, Downsized, I Used to Be Fat MTV, NCIS, Parenthood, Sons of Anarchy, The Ringer

(ALL TIMES ET)

10PM | FX
Sons of Anarchy – Gemma makes friends with another wife, and Clay and the club members make a surprising, and unwelcome, discovery when they set off on a new business venture.

8PM | FOX
Glee – Brittany offers to help Kurt with his campaign for student body president, while Rachel’s mama (guest star Idina Menzel) returns and duets with Rachel.

8PM | CBS
NCIS – The team is shocked when a Marine shows up at his homecoming party with a fatal stab wound, but even more surprising is his hidden past.

9PM | BBC AMERICA
24 Hours in the ER – You’ll be thankful you’re healthy, or be inspired to get healthy, after a look at this moving documentary series, which follows the around the clock action at the King’s College Hospital ER in London.

9PM | WE
Downsized – In a scenario that’s all too familiar to too many families, the Bruces are finally in a better place financially, when yet another medical crisis strikes one of the kids. Meanwhile, Laura, facing a potential job loss because of budget cuts in her school district, comes up with a clever idea to keep her position safe.

9PM | FOX
New Girl – The fellas help Jess get her stuff out of her cheating ex’s apartment.

9PM | The CW
Ringer – I confess, this is my new guilty pleasure of the fall season. Tonight, Bridget finds out some veeery interesting info on Andrew, as well as a clue that might lead her to the person who wants to kill Siobhan.

9:30PM | FOX
Raising Hope – Burt finds out a secret about Sabrina’s family, which leads her to introduce the Chances to her dad (guest star Stephen Root).

10PM | FOOD NETWORK
Chopped – In the finale of the champions tournament cherry soda and catfish are among the mystery basket ingredients standing between the final four and that $50,000 prize.

10PM | NBC
Parenthood – Kristina worries about Crosby and Adam’s new business, while Sarah worries about remaining close to Amber, who’s off enjoying her independence.

10PM | MTV
Teen Mom: Check Up with Dr. Drew – In part one of the post-season three reunion, Dr. Drew grills Farrah and Amber about their shenanigans throughout the season.

11PM | MTV – 1ST SEASON FINALE
Awkward – It’s winter formal time, and Jenna hopes that means Matty will ask her to be his date. But he’s not the only dude who wants to spend time with her. Her bigger, more pressing issue: that the nasty Sadie seems seriously committed to making sure Jenna is not crowned princess of the big dance.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– The Biggest Loser (8PM, NBC) contestants have their gym time restricted;
– On the Dancing With the Stars results show (9PM, ABC), the latest castoff is revealed and the Script performs;
– Callen continues to search for clues about his past on NCIS: Los Angeles (9PM, CBS);
– While Rachel goes into overdrive for the Oscars on The Rachel Zoe Project (9PM, Style), Rodger, he of the ridiculously spelled name, goes to Vegas to party with his friends;
– Style Exposed: Sperm Donor (9PM, Style) unfolds the story of a man named Ben, a sperm donor whose, ahem, deposits, have resulted in more than 70 children;
– New Tosh.0 on Comedy Central (10PM);
– Carrie tries to help a young boy remember the murder he witnessed, so he can help police catch the killer, on Unforgettable (10PM, CBS).

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Marisa Tomei;
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Seth Rogen;
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Melinda Gates;
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Jack Hanna and Anna Faris;
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Lauren Graham and Seth MacFarlane;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Glen Campbell;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Foo Fighters;
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Mary Lynn Rajskub;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Butch Walker.

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• Filed in Late Night, Teen Mom, TV Picks
• Tags: 24 Hours in the ER, Awkward MTV, Chopped, Downsized, Glee, NCIS, New Girl, Parenthood, Raising Hope, Ringer, Sons of Anarchy, Teen Mom: Check Up with Dr. Drew

(ALL TIMES ET)

10PM | MTV – 3RD SEASON PREMIERE
16 & Pregnant – Yup, I’ve read all the arguments against the show, and it’s true that the celeb mags have helped turn the teen mamas, unfortunately, into D-list celebs. Still, it’s tough to imagine that the series hasn’t opened some teenage eyeballs to the truth about just how devastating becoming a teen mom can be. In tonight’s season opener, a teen mom not only has the usual stresses of teen mommyhood to deal with, but she’s also being torn between her babydaddy and her twin sister, both who are demanding her attention.

8PM | NBC
The Biggest Loser: Couples – If only all exercise was this much fun: As the contestants begin to compete as individuals, they go rock climbing, zip lining and bungee jumping.

8PM | COOKING CHANNEL
Eat Street – On tonight’s episode of the show devoted to the best food trucks in the country, it’s the NYC foodie experience everyone should experience: The Big Gay Ice Cream Truck. Get the vanilla soft serve with Trix, or, for the Maude/Golden Girls devotees, the Bea Arthur.

8PM | FOX
Glee – Cheyenne Jackson guest stars. Oh yeah, so does Gwyneth Paltrow.

8PM | THE CW
One Tree Hill – The impossibly adorable Jamie gets a new sibling when Haley gives birth to her second child.

9PM | FOX
Raising Hope – Jerry Van Dyke guest stars as Maw Maw’s (Cloris Leachman) new boyfriend. Man friend. Really, really old man friend.

10PM | ABC
Body of Proof – Mad Men star Christina Hendricks guest stars in the new drama that also happens to star her real-life hubs, Geoffrey Arend.

10PM | FOOD NETWORK
Chopped – It’s back with new episodes! And in the dessert basket: cheese crackers and fruit.

10PM | NBC – 2ND SEASON FINALE
Parenthood – Adam’s upset about Max, Sarah’s upset about Amber after the accident and Crosby is upset Jasmine hasn’t visited his new home in the season two ender. Here’s hoping it all leads to a well-deserved third season.

10:30PM | PLANET GREEN – SERIES PREMIERE
Dresscue Me – The new reality show stars Shareen Mitchell, a clothing stylist whose specialty is reworking vintage clothing. In the opener, she performs makeover magic on an Army wife who hasn’t seen her husband in months.

10:30PM | COMEDY CENTRAL
Sports Show with Norm McDonald – Barry Bonds and Kobe Bryant‘s homophobic slur are among the topics that catch Norm‘s attention in week two of his new show, one of the freshest, funniest new series on the tube so far this year.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– Trina ‘fesses up to her DUI on Braxton Family Values (9PM, WE);
– Week five results are revealed on Dancing With the Stars (9PM, ABC);
– New Deadliest Catch on Discovery (9PM);
– Mike can’t relax around a male masseuse on Traffic Light (9:30PM, Fox);
– Brent and Josh promise not to argue before the second annual Harvest Festival on Fabulous Beekman Boys (10PM, Planet Green);
– More piggies run amuck on Hogs Gone Wild (10PM, Discovery);
– A woman gets away with murder, almost, on I (Almost) Got Away With It (10PM, ID);
– Marcel makes a carrot cake that looks like a camp fire for a celebration honoring volunteer firemen on Marcel’s Quantum Kitchen (10PM, Syfy).

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Tina Fey and Dr. Sanjay Gupta;
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Billy Crystal (REPEAT);
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Andrew Chaikin (REPEAT);
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Katie Couric (REPEAT);
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Robert Pattinson (REPEAT);
– Lopez Tonight (Midnight, TBS): Gary Busey, Lee DeWyze and Dax Shepard;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Dwayne Johnson and Sammy Hagar;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Russell Brand (REPEAT);
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Kathy Griffin;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Janelle Monae (REPEAT).

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• Filed in Glee, Late Night, Mad Men, TV Picks
• Tags: 16 & Pregnant, Body of Proof, Chopped, Dresscue Me, Eat Street, Glee, One Tree Hill, Parenthood, Raising Hope, Sports Show With Norm McDonald, The Biggest Loser: Couples

(ALL TIMES ET)

10PM | BRAVO – SERIES PREMIERE
The Real Housewives of Miami – It’s the seventh entry in the Real Housewives franchise, and, fair warning, it starts off a bit slowly. But I’m trusting that the Bravo powers that be learned their lesson from the failure that was The Real Housewives of D.C. and wouldn’t unleash another lame (read: soooo boring) group of housewives on the series’ loyal viewers. So, bring on the drama, Bravo, in the form of the Miami sox, who include Scottie Pippen‘s wife Larsa, magazine editor Alexia Echeverria and art gallery owner Adriana Sidi. Wonder which one we’ll all end up loving to hate and hating to love?

8PM | FOX
Glee – Cue the Jamie Foxx music, as several McKinley-ites Blame It on the Alcohol after Principal Figgins warns of its dangers.

8PM | CBS
NCIS – In a particularly gruesome case, the team investigates the murder of a Marine whose teeth and fingernails have been removed.

9PM | FOX
Raising Hope – Amy Sedaris guest stars as Virginia’s cousin, who makes a surprise visit to try and snag some of Maw Maw’s cash and reveal that she’s still warm for Burt’s form.

10PM | CBS
The Good Wife – America Ferrera guests as the illegal nanny of Wendy, a situation that Eli, of course, finds very interesting. Meanwhile, Diane defends her sometime lover, ballistics expert Kurt McVeigh (guest star Gary Cole), when he’s sued for testimony he gave during a recent trial.

10PM | FX
Lights Out – Johnny worries that his bro isn’t being properly trained for his comeback, especially since he keeps losing weight.

10PM | NBC
Parenthood – Tonight’s episode’s title says it all, hmmm, Crosby: “Do Not Sleep With Your Autistic Nephew’s Therapist”?

10PM | TNT
Southland – John and Ben bend the rules to help a kiddie, while Lydia and Josie look after an alcoholic who’s a key witness in an upcoming murder trial.

10PM | MTV
Teen Mom 2 – Corey proposes, Chelsea tries (sorta) to focus on school and Jenelle, once again, has to find a new place to live.

11PM | MTV
My Life as Liz – Poor Liz. After her romantic trek through New York with Bryson, she finishes her art project, but then receives a crushing text message from her pals in Texas.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– Frontline (Check local listings for time and channel, PBS) looks at recent events in Egypt;
– The teams find out two players will be ousted this week on Biggest Loser: Couples (8PM, NBC);
– On Jump City Seattle (8PM, G4), it’s all about freerunning in Fenway Park;
– The adorable Jamie tries out for the baseball team on One Tree Hill (8PM, The CW);
– On Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern (9PM, Travel), Andrew visits Namibia, where he samples dried worms and, gulp, wildebeest eyeballs;
– On Dirty Jobs (9PM, Discovery), Mike cleans a boat’s fish grinder;
– Mother and daughter still aren’t speaking to each other after last week’s fight on Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best? (9PM, WE);
– On NCIS: Los Angeles (9PM, CBS), Deeks is shot during a convenience store robbery, but it’s unclear whether he was the target of the attack or just in the wrong place at the wrong time;
– Diana bonds with Lisa and Erica goes to Hong Kong in pursuit of thwarting Anna on V (9PM, ABC);
– A breast cancer survivor who works as a clown but who wants to re-enter the corporate world gets a makeover on What Not to Wear (9PM, TLC);
– American Treasures (10PM, Discovery) is a new series that follows an archaeologist and an anthropologist who travel across the country to appraise historical artifacts;
– Love/Lust (10PM, Sundance) unfolds the history of high heels;
– An Iraq War veteran gets to witness the birth of his second baby on One Born Every Minute (10PM, Lifetime);
– New Tosh.0 on Comedy Central (10PM);
– Peter and Neal work with U.S. marshals who are trying to nab an FBI agent selling witness info on White Collar (10PM, USA).

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Matthew Perry, Jason Aldean and The Situation;
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Anderson Cooper;
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Bing West;
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Amy Poehler and Deerhunter;
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Owen Wilson and Rachel Maddow;
– Lopez Tonight (Midnight, TBS): Martin Lawrence, Jared Leto and 30 Seconds to Mars;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Cameron Diaz, Henry Winkler and Cake;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Jeremy Irons, the Farrelly Brothers and Destroyer;
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): John Waters and Malin Akerman;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): RedOne and Richard King.

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• Filed in Glee, Late Night, Real Housewives, Teen Mom, TV Picks
• Tags: Glee, Lights Out, My Life as Liz, NCIS, Parenthood, Raising Hope, Southland, Teen Mom 2, The Good Wife, The Real Housewives of Miami premiere

(ALL TIMES ET)

10PM | BRAVO
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Dinner Party From Hell: Producers’ Cut – It’s tough to imagine how this episode could be any crazier than it was, from Camille‘s passive-aggressive behavior to her wackadoo pal Allison-the Psychic-With-the Electronic Cigarette‘s aggressive-aggressive behavior, but Bravo’s promising to dish up a fresh helping of drama, so dig in.

7PM | DISCOVERY
Pitchmen – A stadium chair, an electric skateboard and an alternative to the chip clip are on tap for Sully.

8PM | FOX
Glee – He didn’t get the Best New Artist love at the Grammys (robbed), but two of Justin Bieber‘s tunes pop up in tonight’s Glee.

8PM | G4
Jump City: Seattle – Remember that killer parkour scene in Casino Royale? This new series follows the Pro Parkour League in Seattle.

8PM | CBS
NCIS – Gibbs investigates the death of a Marine who was killed in an assassination attempt on a politician he was guarding, while the team protects the politico’s daughter, a U.S. college student who’s also crushing on McGee.

9PM | FOX
Raising Hope – The Chances find some old home movies that lead to the surprising reason behind why they tend to be a healthy people.

10PM | CBS
The Good Wife – How very Zuckerbergian-ish: Will and Diane represent an Internet bazillionaire who’s ticked off at the way he was portrayed in a movie about his life.

10PM | NBC
Parenthood – The show that just keeps getting better brings in Lost star Michael Emerson as a man with Asperger’s who hosts a birthday party for Max.

10PM | TNT
Southland – Lydia (Emmy-worthy Regina King) gets suspended and spends her time bonding with an injured witness.

10PM | MTV
Teen Mom 2 – Surprise, not: Adam proves to be such a massive tool as a roommate that he offends Megan, who moves out. Good move inviting that back into your life, Chelsea.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– USA has closing night coverage of the 135th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show (8PM);
– The Cupcake Wars (9PM, Food Network) competitors fashion treats for a Cirque du Soleil party;
– The Hellcats (9PM, The CW) try to concoct a plan to save their funding;
– On Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best? (9PM, WE), Joan and Melissa meet with Perez Hilton;
– Sam and Cullen go undercover as California highway patrolmen (like Ponch and Jon!) to ferret out some corrupt cops on NCIS: Los Angeles (9PM, CBS);
– On V (9PM, ABC), Lisa meets her grandmother and Anna asks Ryan to help her eliminate the Fifth Column;
– On Detroit 1-8-7 (10PM, ABC), Fitch and Washington investigate an ex-con’s claim that he killed two people in self defense;
– On Hard Time (10PM, NGC), a female prison in Ohio includes an inmate who’s raising her baby inside the prison;
– Lights misses the fam when he moves into a hotel to train in private on Lights Out (10PM, FX);
– Love/Lust (10PM, Sundance) unfolds the history of the bikini;
– Tosh chats with The Big O on Tosh.0 (10PM, Comedy Central);
– New Onion SportsDome (10:30PM, Comedy Central);
– Bryson‘s in NYC, but the visit doesn’t go as well as he hoped it would on My Life as Liz (11PM, MTV);

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Dr. Phil, Jump City: Seattle and Ginnifer Goodwin;
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): January Jones;
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Christiane Amanpour and David Albright;
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Josh Groban and a top 10 list with Joy Philbin;
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Liam Neeson and Gretchen Wilson;
– Lopez Tonight (Midnight, TBS): Justin Bieber, Far East Movement and Diane Kruger;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Eric Stonestreet and Jeremy Renner;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Jeff Probst, Victoria Beckham and Drive-By Truckers;
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): William Shatner;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Kevin Smith.

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• Filed in Glee, Late Night, Real Housewives, Teen Mom, TV Picks
• Tags: Glee, Jump City: Seattle parkour, Justin Bieber Glee, NCIS, Parenthood, Pitchmen, Raising Hope, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Dinner Party From Hell, Southland, Teen Mom, The Good Wife