(ALL TIMES ET)

10PM | SHOWTIME – 7TH SEASON FINALE
Weeds – The season lost a little steam towards the end, but here’s hoping for a last-minute rebound as Nancy deals with the fact that one son, Silas, is not on her side, while the other, Shane, is trying to protect her from Detective Ouellette. And then there’s Doug, who’s desperately trying to keep his hedge fund scam going.

CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS FOR TIME AND CHANNEL | PBS – 42ND SEASON PREMIERE
Sesame Street – Science and technology are the themes for the new season, which will also include spoofs on Glee and The Deadliest Catch and guest stars like Robin Williams, Seth Rogen, Mila Kunis, John Krasinski, Joel McHale and Andy Samberg.

1PM | ABC – SERIES PREMIERE
The Chew – Mario Batali, Top Chef alum Carla Hall, What Not to Wear co-host Clinton Kelly and Food Network chef Michael Symon host this daily foodie show that replaces All My Children.

8PM | THE CW – 5TH SEASON PREMIERE
Gossip Girl – Serena makes a big boo-boo at her Hollywood job, and, while visiting her in Los Angeles, Nate meets an older woman (Elizabeth Hurley).

8PM | CBS
How I Met Your Mother – Ted tries to make nice with a girl he once cheated on, while Barney makes a bet with Marshall and Lily that may mean Marshall has to wear Barney’s ducky tie.

8PM | FOX – SERIES PREMIERE
Terra Nova – The sci-fi drama finds colonists (including Life on Mars star Jason O’Mara) travelling back to prehistoric times to create a new civilization because, well, their present one has become so miserable. Of course, they’re going to have to deal with dinosaurs that want to eat them, and a military-minded leader (Avatar‘s Stephen Lang) who wants them to fit neatly into his agenda. Yeah, I know, I can’t help but think Land of the Lost myself, but at least the special effects are less cheesy, as they should be considering Steven Spielberg is among the show’s producers. Bottom line: to watch or not to watch … yes, definitely worth checking out, but don’t set that season pass just yet.

9PM | THE CW – SERIES PREMIERE
Hart of Dixie – Rachel Bilson plays a heart surgeon who moves to a small town in Alabama to share a practice when she’s told she needs to work on her bedside manner. Lost you at “Rachel Bilson plays a heart surgeon,” didn’t I? The O.C. alum has her charms, but this show might not be the best use of them. Still, I’ll probably watch a couple more episodes, especially since equally charming Friday Night Lights alums Scott Porter and Cress Williams are in the cast.

9PM | BRAVO
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – It’s been all about Taylor so far this season, but the new chick enters the fray tonight when Kyle hosts a charity event and Brandi Glanville, the ex-Mrs. Eddie Cibrian, attends and immediately ruffles some feathers.

10PM | LOGO
The A-List: New York – Derek and the gang head to Atlantic City for Austin‘s bachelor party and Nyasha‘s concert.

10PM | ABC
Castle – Castle and Beckett are chasing a vigilante who may be responsible for murder and who also may be wearing a superhero costume while out doing his vigilante work.

10PM | CBS
Hawaii Five-O – So … that happened last week. Tonight, the action continues as McGarrett’s back in action, but the Governor assigns a new officer to keep an eye on McGarrett and the Five-0 team.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– The jive and the quickstep are on tap for the contestants on tonight’s Dancing With the Stars (8PM, ABC);
– Eight more groups perform in the second part of the season premiere of The Sing-Off (8PM, NBC);
– The Bling Ring (9PM, Lifetime) is the Lifetime flick, starring Jennifer Grey, based on the true story of the group of teens who burglarized celebs’ homes in Hollywood in 2008 and 2009;
– The weekly four-ep It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia marathon on Comedy Central (9PM) includes the gang’s Lethal Weapon 5 flick;
– Season two of Mike & Molly (9:30PM, CBS) opens with Molly (awesome first time Emmy winner Melissa McCarthy) starting to plan her wedding to Mike;
– On Alphas (10PM, Syfy), season one wraps with Red Flag stepping up its war on the Department of Defense;
– On Cake Boss (10PM, TLC), Buddy bakes an edible chandelier cake that has to hang upside down;
– A Civil War drum is among the goodies brought into the store on back-to-back Pawn Star$ (10PM, History);
– On the season two finale of The Big C (10:30PM, Showtime), Cathy decides to do something special to ring in the New Year after Lee’s death;
– John-John finds out that one of his relatives is a zombie on Death Valley (10:30PM, MTV).

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Kevin Hart, Neal Brennan and Taylor Lautner;
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Ron Paul;
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Radiohead;
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Seth Rogen;
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Ryan Gosling;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Dana Delany;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Elmo and Andy Samberg;
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Jonah Hill;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): The Decemberists and David Guetta.

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• Filed in Daytime TV, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Late Night, Movies, Real Housewives, TV Marathon, TV Picks, Weeds
• Tags: Castle, Gossip Girl season 5, Hart of Dixie, Hawaii Five-0, How I Met Your Mother, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Sesame Street season 42, Terra Nova premiere, The A-List: New York, The Chew ABC, Weeds season finale

(ALL TIMES ET)

10PM | COMEDY CENTRAL
Roast of Charlie Sheen – Never has there been a celeb more roastable, or who provided more roasting fodder. Now, if we can all just figure out what the frick roaster Mike Tyson is saying …

8PM | ABC – 13TH SEASON PREMIERE
Dancing With the Stars – To those DWTS fans upset about Chaz Bono‘s participation this season, eh, get over it … you’re watching a show about D-list celebrities performing dances that haven’t been hip since The Lawrence Welk Show. Bono, along with Ricki Lake, the always unpredictable David Arquette and the chance that Nancy Grace will make an even bigger ass of herself, almost makes this thing worth watching this season. Almost.

8PM | CBS – 7TH SEASON PREMIERE
How I Met Your Mother – Back-to-back episodes open the new season, and include Robin fretting over whether or not to tell Barney she still has feelings for him.

8PM | NBC – 3RD SEASON PREMIERE
The Sing-off – Pop star Sara Bareilles joins the judging panel as eight of the 16 a cappella groups competing this season perform in the opener.

9PM | CBS – 9TH SEASON PREMIERE
Two and a Half Men – Before he gets killed by snarky to downright mean comments during his Comedy Central roast, Charlie Sheen‘s character, Charlie Harper, officially bites the dust on Men, as Ashton Kutcher joins the cast as brokenhearted rich dude Walden Schmidt.

9:30PM | CBS – SERIES PREMIERE
2 Broke Girls – It’s a comedy, from co-creators Michael Patrick King (Sex and the City) and comedienne Whitney Cummings, and it revolves around two broke girls, Max (Kat Dennings) and formerly rich chick Caroline (Beth Behrs), who work as Brooklyn waitresses and become roommates so they can save money to open their own cupcake shop. Because that’s such a novel idea, in New York City, these days. Anyway, is it funny? I’ve seen only the pilot, and, well, no, not yet.

10PM | LOGO
The A-List: New York – Oh, Austin. He and Jake and trying to finalize plans for their wedding, but one of Austin’s frienemies is claiming Jake cheated on Austin, and Austin, always, is ticking off those around him.

10PM | ABC – 4TH SEASON PREMIERE
Castle – Beckett fights for her life after being shot, and who’s her new precinct captain? Wily Sherry Palmer, a.k.a. 24 alum Penny Johnson Jerald (who so should have won an Emmy for her 24 gig).

10PM | CBS – 2ND SEASON PREMIERE
Hawaii Five-O – After last season’s disastrous ending, McGarrett opens the season in prison for the governor’s murder, but Danny has a friend who might be able to help, and that friend looks an awful lot like Lost star Terry O’Quinn. Because he is.

10PM | NBC – SERIES PREMIERE
The Playboy Club – Eddie Cibrian, he of the LeAnn Rimes love triangle scandal, stars as a 1960s Chicago attorney and Playboy Club key holder who helps a new Club Bunny when she’s assaulted by a mobster and accidentally kills him. Must see? Mmm, no, nor is it as scandalous as the pre-season hubbub might suggest, but it’s worth a look.

11:59PM | HBO
The Strange History of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell – Documentarians Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato directed this special on Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, which airs just as the ban is repealed, effective on Sept. 20.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– If you’re one of those people who have yet to dive into the wacky world of Liz Lemon and company on 30 Rock, catch it from the beginning, every weeknight from 7-8PM, on Comedy Central;
– Carter and Jo have to deal with an attack on the presidential convoy on the fourth season finale of Eureka (8PM, Syfy);
– On Hell’s Kitchen (8PM, Fox), a winner is chosen in the ninth season finale;
– On Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (9PM, Bravo), Kim‘s behavior brings up those discussions about her alleged alcoholism again;
– There’s a zombie-ish breakout in New York on Warehouse 13 (9PM, Syfy);
– History Channel has back-to-back new episodes of Pawn Stars (10PM);
– The team checks out a werewolf attack at a porn shoot on Death Valley (10:30PM, MTV).

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Ryan Gosling and Nicole Scherzinger;
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Ted Danson;
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Simon Cowell;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Dr. Phil;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Bruce Springsteen (REPEAT);
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Keith Olbermann;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Author Sarah Vowell (REPEAT).

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• Filed in 30 Rock, Late Night, Real Housewives, TV Picks, TV Specials
• Tags: 2 Broke Girls, Castle season premiere, Charlie Sheen roast, Dancing With the Stars season premiere, Hawaii Five-O season premiere, How I Met Your Mother season premiere, The A-List: New York, The Playboy Club, The Sing-off season premiere, The Strange History of Don't Ask Don't Tell, Two and a Half Men season premiere

(ALL TIMES ET)

10:30PM | MTV
Death Valley – The New York Times described this new action/zombie/cop comedy as Reno 911! with zombies, and while I think nothing will ever live up to Lt. Dangle and the gang, Valley is laugh-out-loud funny, with a fun cast that includes comedian and Fat Actress alum Bryan Callen, Lost‘s Tania Raymond, The Bold and the Beautiful‘s Texas Battle and underrated Popular alum Bryce Johnson.

8PM | VH1 – SERIES PREMIERE
Basketball Wives: LA – Kimsha Artest and sisters Laura and Gloria Govan are among the stars of this spin-off of the original Basketball Wives reality series. Will this batch of women prove to be as interesting as the Miami Wives? Eh …

9PM | TNT
The Closer – Brenda asks Raydor for help with a case, as the squad members are deposed in the lawsuit against Brenda.

9PM | COMEDY CENTRAL
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – This week’s four-ep marathon includes “Paddy’s Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens” (10:30PM), or kitten “mittons” as Charlie spells it, and “The Waitress Is Getting Married” (9PM), in which Charlie (Charlie Day), in his own weird, but still sweet, Charlie way, shows his love for The Waitress (Mary Elizabeth Ellis, the real-life Mrs. Charlie Day).

10PM | LOGO
The A-List: New York – Austin and Reichen become closer when everyone else washes their hands of Austin, but that creates new drama for Mr. Armacost, when Jake starts to feel left out.

10PM | SHOWTIME
Weeds – Nancy, Andy and Silas plot revenge against Emma (guest star Michelle Trachtenberg), while Doug deals with a financial situation that means he really needs to make his hedge fund work and Shane gets a little more involved with the law than he intended.

10:30PM | THE HUB
Happy Days – It’s the classic “Potsie Quits School” episode of Days, with Potsie’s “Pumps Your Blood” gem.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– Place your Bachelor Pad (8PM, ABC) bets: Is it Jake or Kasey who leaves?;
– Carter and Allison wear memory-reading devices as a means of appealing the ruling on their relationship on Eureka (8PM, Syfy);
– New episodes of American Chopper: Senior vs. Junior (9PM, Discovery) kick off with the lawsuit between the Pauls getting settled;
– Fiona hopes Charlie will go to the prom with her on Degrassi (9PM, TeenNick);
– Pete and Claudia try to find Stukowski’s partner when Stukowski is interrogated by Warehouse agents on Warehouse 13 (9PM, Syfy);
– On Alphas (10PM, Syfy), Hicks and Nina hook up with a dangerous Alpha cult leader;
– CIA Confidential: 9/11 Mastermind (10PM, NGC) chronicles the CIA’s decade-long hunt for 9/11 planner Khalid Sheikh Mohammed;
– On Rizzoli & Isles (10PM, TNT), a man dies during what appears to be a mugging;
– Sean is annoyed by new neighbors and Adam goes to Poppy’s high school reunion on The Big C (10:30PM, Showtime).

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Reese Witherspoon and Joseph Gordon-Levitt (REPEAT);
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Ali Velshi (REPEAT);
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): The Cars (REPEAT);
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Jason Sudeikis;
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): David Koechner;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Aziz Ansari (REPEAT);
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Robert Duvall;
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): William Shatner;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Walt Goggins (REPEAT).

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• Filed in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Late Night, TV Marathon, TV Picks, Weeds
• Tags: Basketball Wives LA, Death Valley MTV, Happy Days Pumps Your Blood, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Kitten Mittens, The A-List: New York, The Closer, Weeds

(ALL TIMES ET)

10PM | SHOWTIME
Weeds – Her fellow housewives, drug lords and federal agents haven’t been able to keep up with Nancy (Mary-Louise Parker) and her clever ways, but she might have finally met her match in Zoya (Olga Sosnovska), her prison pal, whose surprise arrival in New York is going to throw everyone’s world into chaos. In tonight’s episode, Nancy and Andy (Justin Kirk) try to figure out how to keep Zoya from taking over the bike shop, while Silas (Hunter Parrish) is dealing with takeover attempts of his own and Doug (Kevin Nealon) tries to fend off the SEC.

8PM | VH1
Basketball Wives, Reunion Part 2 – John Salley continues to nudge to women into dishing some dirt on the recently-concluded third season, which, of course, leads to more squabbles, most of them involving Royce.

8PM | SYFY
Eureka – Carter (Colin Ferguson) and Allison (Salli Richardson-Whitfield) are the subject of a relationship audit by the Department of Defense.

9PM | TNT
The Closer – As Capt. Raydor (Mary McDonnell) pushes forward with her investigation of Brenda’s (Kyra Sedgwick) squad, her focus narrows in on Sanchez (Raymond Cruz).

9PM | SYFY
Warehouse 13 – When Myka (Joanne Kelly) hunts for the man who killed her old partner, her fellow Warehouse 13 agents think there may be a link between the murderer and the Secret Service.

10PM | LOGO
The A-List: New York – Ryan‘s runway show turns into another opportunity for a drama involving Austin, who has even bigger problems when most of his NYC pals turn against him.

10PM | FOOD NETWORK
The Best Thing I Ever Ate – Food Network personalities share their favorite childhood foods, including cotton candy, homemade pasta and Frito Pie.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– Jake finds out he has more allies than Kasey and the nasty Vienna on Bachelor Pad (8PM, ABC);
– Back-to-back new eps of Hell’s Kitchen (8 and 9PM, Fox) result in the elimination of two more contestants;
– Amy is awaiting a marriage proposal from Ricky, who has other plans on Secret Life of the American Teenager (8PM, ABC Family);
– Alli plans to take things to a new level with Dave before summer break on Degrassi (9PM, TeenNick);
– The weekly four-ep marathon of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (9PM, Comedy Central) includes “The Gang Hits the Road,” in which the Paddy’s crew tries to go to the Grand Canyon;
– The new reality series LaLa’s Full Court Life (9PM, VH1) revolves around La La Vazquez and NBA hubby Carmelo Anthony;
– The third season premiere of The T.O. Show (9:30PM, VH1) finds T.O. facing ACL surgery;
– The Alphas (10PM, Syfy) have to protect an inventor whose concoctions could be dangerous if the wrong people get their hands on them;
– The new reality series Bear Swamp Recovery (10PM, TruTV) follows a New Jersey family who operate a repo business;
– Rich people hiring hitmen is the subject of tonight’s Behind Mansion Walls (10PM, ID);
– Frankie’s ex returns to town with a big surprise on Rizzoli & Isles (10PM, TNT);
– On The Big C (10:30PM, Showtime), Rebecca’s miscarriage leads to a reunion for Cathy.

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Tom Hanks, Jack McBrayer and Soundgarden (REPEAT);
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Matt Long (REPEAT);
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Elliott Ackerman (REPEAT);
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Denis Leary;
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Emma Stone and Adam Carolla (REPEAT);
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Aaron Paul and Roseanne Barr (REPEAT);
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Lou Dobbs and Cory Monteith (REPEAT);
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Hugh Laurie;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Adam Blackstone.

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• Filed in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Late Night, TV Marathon, TV Picks, Weeds
• Tags: Basketball Wives, Eureka, Reunion Part 2, The A-List: New York, The Best Thing I Ever Ate, The Closer, Warehouse 13, Weeds

(ALL TIMES ET)

10PM | SHOWTIME
Weeds – Much like how the current season of Curb Your Enthusiasm is proving to be so hilarious because Larry is finally fully embracing his social assassin personality, I’m enjoying how the Weeds characters are completely letting their freak flags fly in their new season. So, tonight, as Andy opens his bike shop, Silas runs his own business out of the back; Nancy runs her own “franchise” while ringer Doug plays softball for his company; and killer Shane is offered an internship … by a police detective.

8PM | ABC – 2ND SEASON PREMIERE
Bachelor Pad – I cannot, in good conscious, actually suggest you watch this Big Brother-meets-The Bachelor/Bachelorette mess. But, it will find former Bachelor Jake Pavelka and his one-time fiancé Vienna Girardi, getting nasty with, or rather about, each other again, and in front of her current boyfriend, Kasey Kahl (a Bachelorette alum). Do with that what you will.

8PM | NETWORK – 3RD SEASON FINALE
Basketball Wives – The season ends with Jen‘s over-the-top divorce party, and a tiff with Chad and Evelyn when she sees him at lunch with another woman.

9PM | TNT
The Closer – While the squad investigates the death of a minister (who has some scandalous secrets), there’s inner-office drama when all but one member of the Major Crimes team receives a subpoena in the civil suit against the LAPD.

9PM | HBO
Superheroes – The documentary profiles “real-life superheroes,” a group of civilians who wear costumes and dedicate themselves to helping people who can’t help themselves.

9PM | SYFY
Warehouse 13 – Pete and Myka team with H.G. Wells to track down Joshua’s Trumpet, an artifact that has remained a mystery for three generations and is now putting the lives of an entire baseball stadium full of people at risk.

10PM | LOGO
The A-List: New York – Oh, A-List: New York, I can’t quit you, no matter how bitchy and backstabby your “cast” may be. Tonight, the friction between BFFs Ryan and TJ continues as one faces career uncertainty while the other gets a major career boost.

10:30PM | FOOD NETWORK – SERIES PREMIERE
Sugar High – Ace of Cakes star Duff Goldman is back on the network with this fun series, in which he travels around the country to find the most outrageous desserts. First up, he heads to Los Angeles for chilled bread pudding, Korean shaved ice and an especially yummy chocolate chip cookie.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– Lupo tries to tell Zoe what happened with Zane on Eureka (8PM, Syfy);
– It’s down to 11 on Hell’s Kitchen (8PM, Fox);
– Adrian decides she wants Ricky, not Ben, back on Secret Life of the American Teenager (8PM, ABC Family);
– Holly J’s health woes lead her to seek a kidney donor on Degrassi (9PM, TeenNick);
– On tonight’s four-episode marathon of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (9PM, Comedy Central), episodes include the two-part “Mac & Charlie Die,” in which the fellas fake their death when they think Mac’s dad is going to kill them;
– On the series premiere of Tia & Tamera (9PM, Style), twin actresses Tia and Tamera Mowry deal with a wedding and a first pregnancy;
– Rosen’s team officially joins the Defense Criminal Investigation Service and is assigned to investigate a series of deaths at a Pennsylvania high school on Alphas (10PM, SYFY);
– A piece of Abraham Lincoln‘s tomb and a cool Wurlitzer jukebox are among the items brought to the store on Pawn Star$ (10 and 10:30PM, History);
– On Rizzoli & Isles (10PM, TBS), Jane’s brother returns home after his jail stint;
– Adam interferes with Andrea’s date on The Big C (10:30PM, Showtime).

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): J.B. Smoove and Piers Morgan;
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Mark Adams;
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Nassir Ghaemi;
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Jason Bateman and Amy Sedaris (REPEAT);
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Gordon Ramsay and Panic! at the Disco;
– Lopez Tonight (Midnight, TBS): Joe Jonas;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Aziz Ansari;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Rudy Giuliani and Adam Ferrara;
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Don Cheadle (REPEAT);
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Bill Carter (REPEAT).

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• Filed in Documentary, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Late Night, Weeds
• Tags: Bachelor Pad, Basketball Wives, Sugar High, Superheroes documentary, The A-List: New York, The Closer, Warehouse 13, Weeds