You know how people say their job is killing them? Apparently it’s literally true in my case, according to the very clever publicists at the Discovery Channel.

To promote Discovery’s annual Shark Week programming, which kicks off Sunday night at 9PMET, the network sent out some very personalized, very creepy, but very cool boxes of swag to TV critics and bloggers.

When I opened the big brown box from Discovery, beneath a slew of straw was a rusty, frosted old jar that contained a boat key on a floatation round; a chomped on, bloody swimsuit; and an official-looking newspaper clipping of an obituary – MY obituary! – which reads:

“Notable author and veteran entertainment and pop culture writer Kimberly Potts was killed Monday, July 13th, of a violent attack while scuba diving on vacation in the Great Barrier Reef, Queensland, Australia. Potts’ enviable writing career was spawned in 1995, freelancing for such reputable web publications as AOL TV, TV Guide, Movies.com, People.com, MSN TV Filter, Teenmag.com, Metromix.com, iVillage.com, Teenmag.com. Playboy.com, The Detroit Free Press and The Cincinnati Enquirer. She maintained a freelance writing career up until her untimely death, while also managing to author five books and launching the popular television news site, TVScreener.com. Funeral arrangements are scheduled for Wednesday July 15th in New York, NY.”

Like I said, creepy, but cool, and definitely gets my award for the best network promo of the year so far.

Shark Week 2009’s premiere programming, by the way, is a must-see: A two-hour drama called Blood in the Water (Aug. 2, 9PM ET), the true story of the 1916 New Jersey shore shark attacks that inspired the movie Jaws. Five people were attacked in 12 days on the Jersey shore, which set off a panic because it was the first time people had heard about multiple shark attacks in the same area in such a short time period.

Dun dun. Dun dun. Dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun!

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• Filed in Reality, TV News
• Tags: Blood in the Water, Discovery Channel, Shark Week 2009

All the tube news that’s fit to surf …

– Mad Men, season three, August 16 at 10PM ET on AMC. Be there, or be somewhere else, somewhere where people don’t knock back three vodka gimlets before lunch, aren’t nearly as dapperly-attired as Don Draper (Jon Hamm) and don’t have offices that are bigger than my entire New York City apartment. Yeah, not sounding nearly as much fun as Mad Men, right?

– Is designer Vera Wang going to be competing on the next season of Dancing With the Stars? And if so, does that mean we can count on less cheesy costumes?

– Plus-size model Emme has been hired to host Fox’s More to Love, the reality dating show that will feature “average-looking” people

– Discovery Channel’s 22nd annual Shark Week kicks off on August 2.

– Matt Mitovich at TVGuide.com says Rick Springfield will play, fittingly enough, Rick Springfield, when he guest stars on the new season of Californication, but he’ll be a naughty Rick Springfield, one whose sex play makes David Duchovny‘s Hank “look like a Jonas brother.” Not that I’m buying that whole purity ring business about the Jonas Bros. …

– In celebration of its 15th anniversary, TCM has created its own social network site, TCM Classic Film Union, for movie buffs.

– Gordon Ramsay has apologized for, well, basically, for being a tool. You can watch the apology here.

– I reeeally want to like Dr. Drew and trust his motives, but a real doctor prolly should offer to help Lindsay Lohan, or a less-famous addict, whether or not she accepts a reported six-figure offer to appear on his reality show, Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, right? Of course, the story seems to be originating with Lohan’s dad, so, grain – no, make that rock, huge, ginormous rock – of salt on the whole thing.

– The Shield creator Shawn Ryan is going back to FX with a comedy about private detectives, called Terriers.

– Futurama‘s back! With 26 new episodes in 2010!

– Good news for David Letterman: He, with guest Julia Roberts, beat Conan O’Brien‘s Tonight Show on Tuesday. Worse news for Conan: His ratings keep dropping. Don’t count him out tho; remember his first years as Late Night host?

– More ratings wars news: Judge Judy beat Oprah. Whoa.

– ABC’s getting a jump on the competition by announcing its fall premiere dates.

– The ratings for the Nurse Jackie series premiere were so good, Showtime’s already greenlighting a second season, so go ahead and get hooked.

– Heidi Pratt‘s launching her own line of dry shampoo, after her shampoo shenanigans on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. I’m sure Oscar Blandi is shaking in his celebrity hair-cutting boots.

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• Filed in Celebreality, Late Night, Reality, TV News
• Tags: Californication, Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, Conan O'Brien, Dancing With the Stars, David Duchovny, David Letterman, Discovery Channel, Don Draper, Dr. Drew, Drew Pinsky, Emme, Futurama, Get Me Out of Here, Gordon Ramsay, Heidi Pratt, I'm a Celebrity, Jon Hamm, Jonas, Judge Judy, Julia Roberts, Lindsay Lohan, Mad Men, More to Love, Nurse Jackie, Oprah, Rick Springfield, Shark Week, Shawn Ryan, TCM Classic Film Union, The Shield, Tonight Show, Vera Wang

He may be a comedy A-lister, but on Tuesday’s episode of Discovery Channel’s Man vs. Wild (10PM ET), Land of the Lost star Will Ferrell feasts on a dinner of reindeer eyeballs and his own urine.

Host Bear Grylls and Ferrell parachute off a helicopter and into the Swedish hinterland, where they’ll rappel down a hundred-foot frozen waterfall, get crafty by fashioning their own snow shoes out of twigs and, yes, drink their own urine.

CBS may want to keep Ferrell in mind if they ever get that all-star version of Survivor off the ground …

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• Filed in Boob Tube to Big Screen, Comedy, Reality, Ya Gotta See This!
• Tags: Bear Grylls, Discovery Channel, Land of the Lost, Man vs. Wild, Will Ferrell