(ALL TIMES ET)

9:30PM | NBC
Parks and Recreation – Remember what happened the last time Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman) and his ex-wife Tammy (guest star Megan Mullally, Offerman’s real-life wife) got together? Insanity ensued, which is why Tammy’s return in tonight’s episode is must-see TV. Especially since her return is brought about by Tom (Aziz Ansari), who begins dating Tammy to get back at Ron, who’s dating Tom’s ex-wife Wendy (Jama Williamson). Also, a jail cell is involved, so, again, must-see TV.

8PM | FOX
American Idol – After weeks of those drawn out city auditions, the action moves to Hollywood, where we’ll finally see which wannabes have the chops to make it into the finalist pool.

8PM | CBS
The Big Bang Theory – Leonard, a gigolo … Sheldon, his pimp??! If a wealthy widow (guest star Jessica Walter) who wants to donate big bucks to the university – provided she gets some one-on-one time with Leonard – has anything to say about it.

8PM | NBC
Community – The last time I saw Andy Dick‘s name in the news, he was getting thrown out of an awards show for porn. Tonight, he’s guesting on Community. A step up, to say the least.

8PM | ABC
Wipeout – The Hockey Hottie, Mr. Grinch and Holiday Hams … you guess which ones are contestants and which ones are Wipeout obstacles.

9PM | ABC
Grey’s Anatomy – Papa Grey returns with a stomachache that means he’s rejecting the liver Meredith so thoughtfully gave him. He’s also bringing a young, tattooed girlfriend with him, which means Mer’s gonna have a stomachache, too.

9PM | NBC
The Office – Michael and Holly spend Valentine’s Day together, which gives me more hope that the writers will send Mr. Scott off with the happy ending he deserves. Well, the happy ending for him that the audience deserves, anyway.

10PM | NBC
30 Rock – It’s Valentine’s Day and Carol (guest star Matt Damon) is back, which, in Liz Lemon Land, probably means romantic trauma ahead.

10PM | FX
Archer – Archer may be someone’s babydaddy. His favorite hooker’s babydaddy, actually.

10PM | MTV
Jersey Shore – Ronnie, Sammi fight. Ronnie mad. Ronnie smash!

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– Stefan and Elena try to get romantic on a trip to the lake on The Vampire Diaries (8PM, The CW);
– Booth and Sweets have commitment on their minds on Bones (9PM, Fox);
– On Nikita (9PM, The CW), Michael meddles in Alex’s life with Nathan;
– Colleen helps protect U.S. marshals on Police Women of Cincinnati (9PM, TLC);
– Ace and the gang make a Back to the Future cake for Michael J. Fox (!) on Ace of Cakes (10PM, Food Network);
– And rebellious teens visit San Quentin on Beyond Scared Straight (10PM, A&E).

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Seth MacFarlane and Brooklyn Decker;
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Former RNC chairman Michael Steele (REPEAT);
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Author Michael Lewis (REPEAT);
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Snooki (yes, that one);
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Rob Lowe, Amber Riley and Nicki Minaj;
– Lopez Tonight (Midnight, TBS): Brad Womack and Taylor Momsen;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Jimmy and Justin Bieber perform their Twitter song;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Jennifer Aniston and Piers Morgan;
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Jennifer Beals;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Diplo and Alberta Cross.

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• Filed in 30 Rock, American Idol, The Office, TV Picks
• Tags: 30 Rock, American Idol, Archer, Community, Grey's Anatomy, Jersey Shore, Parks and Recreation, The Big Bang Theory, The Office, Wipeout

All the tube news that’s fit to surf …

– Things probably aren’t going to be less tense on the Grey’s Anatomy set this year, especially after Katherine Heigl‘s appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman last night, in which she all but laughs at her character’s storyline. No, actually, she does laugh at it.

– One opinion on the Paula Abdul/American Idol contract mess: Simon Cowell, who says he’s told producers he definitely wants his loopy co-star back.

– Sarah Jessica Parker is headed back to TV – as the producer of Bravo’s upcoming series that aims to be a Project Runway or Top Chef for the art world. The winner of the new series gets a gallery showing.

– How rampant is Twilight fever? So rampant that ReelzChannel is launching a weekly series devoted to all things vampire-y and Robert Pattinson-y.

– Can Shaquille O’Neal outswim Michael Phelps? We’ll see, when Shaq Vs., a new series in which the NBA star competes against other superstar athletes in their sports, premieres on ABC on Aug. 18.

– Brooke Burns has joined the cast of the Melrose Place remake, where she’ll play the wife of Michael Mancini. If we can ignore the poor acting skills of Ashlee Simpson, this thing just might not suck after all.

– Emmy-nominated Top Chef hostess Padma Lakshmi is going to star in her own NBC sitcom, in which she’ll play “a single woman working in the food world.”

– Because of the Mischa Barton situation, The CW is casting a new character, as a “Plan B” for Barton’s character, in its model drama The Beautiful Life.

– Twitter has verified Tyra Banks‘ account, which really makes that scary photo of her a head scratcher … she’s got the crazy eyes!

– The most surprising thing about Burn Notice star Jeffrey Donovan‘s arrest on suspicion of DUI: that it took the media a week to find out about it. Even TMZ didn’t pick up on the story until eight days after the arrest.

– How does Gossip Girl plan to avoid the boredom that often follows when a favorite TV couple finally hooks up? Apparently, angry sex with Chuck and Blair.

– Fans still bummed about the cancellation of The Unit can at least look forward to the complete series DVD box set Fox Home Entertainment will release on Sept. 29.

– More complete series DVD news: Shout! Factory releases 16 discs full of It’s Garry Shandling’s Show on Oct. 20.

And tonight in primetime:

– The sixth season of Hell’s Kitchen premieres on Fox (8PM ET)
– On 10 Things I Hate About You (ABC Family, 8PM), Bianca asks Cameron to help her find a party the popular kids are hosting
– David Cassidy makes a TV comeback as the papa of a potential pop star on the premiere of ABC Family’s Ruby and the Rockits (8:30PM)
– The Power of Veto ceremony unfolds on Big Brother 11 (CBS, 9PM)
– The HawthoRNe crew is extra busy when another local ER shuts down (TNT, 9PM)
– It’s the ninth round of auditions on America’s Got Talent (NBC, 9PM)
– On Better Off Ted (ABC, 9PM), Ted hopes to finally impress his dad with Phil and Lem’s baldness cure. Potential baldness cure …
– Pete and Myka look for a mind-altering object in upstate New York on Warehouse 13 (SyFy, 9PM)
– It’s night two of the fantastic five-night Torchwood: Children of Earth miniseries on BBC America (9PM)
– A former rocker gets his own rehearsal space on Man Caves (DIY Network, 9PM)
– A dangerous storm mobilizes the Coast Guard on Deadliest Catch (Discovery, 9PM)
– PC – gasp – gets a job on NYC Prep (Bravo, 9PM)
– Grace runs into trouble when she pursues a rape suspect by herself, on foot, on Saving Grace (TNT, 10PM)
– Maria ships her kid off to boarding school, leaving her more time to hang with her equally self-involved pals on Miami Social (Bravo, 10PM)
– Tiny plans a birthday party while getting ready for T.I.’s jail term on Tiny & Toya (BET, 10PM)
– Discovery Channel premieres its new reality competition series The Colony (10PM), in which contestants try to prove they could survive a global disaster
– William deals with twin sister addicts on The Cleaner (A&E, 10PM)
– And Tommy’s fam stages an intervention about his drinking, which leads to one of his all-time most selfish actions on Rescue Me (FX, 10PM)

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• Filed in Reality, TV News
• Tags: Gossip Girl Chuck and Blair, Grey's Anatomy, Jeffrey Donovan DUI arrest, Katherine Heigl, Melrose Place remake, Mischa Barton, Padma Lakshmi sitcom, Paula Abdul contract, Sarah Jessica Parker Bravo, Shaq Vs., Shaquille O'Neal

All the tube news that’s fit to surf …

– The Seinfeld cast reunion on Curb Your Enthusiasm is shaping up to be bigger than it was originally rumored to be. Jerry Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and the newly-“reformed” (according to Larry David) Michael Richards will reportedly appear in half the episodes of the upcoming season of Curb, which is scheduled to premiere this fall.

– It’s a definite go: Tom Cruise and J.J. Abrams are teaming up again, to make Mission: Impossible IV for a 2011 release.

– In addition to tonight’s “The Last Supper” special episode (Bravo, 9PM ET) of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, the network is stretching the show’s first season to July 9 with three more episodes, including two reunion eps and a “lost footage” installment. The so-called season finale that aired Tuesday night drew 3.5 million viewers, the highest number ever for an episode of the Housewives franchise.

– Will you really make it to your destination if Homer Simpson is giving you directions? You can find out with a TomTom GPS and the company’s celebrity voice navigator feature, which now includes Homie as an option. Other TV celeb voices available from TomTom: Kim Cattrall, Mr. T, Burt Reynolds and Dennis Hopper.

– T.R. Knight‘s definitely vamoosing from Grey’s Anatomy, which just makes the show even more tiresome as the off-camera dramas continue to overshadow the on-screen action.

– Twin Peaks lives again, as an Internet series? It is if original series star, and current Desperate Housewives baddie Kyle McLachlan, has anything to say about it.

– And, Twitter tip, the always awesome John Lithgow will play a serial killer on the new season of Dexter, and he’s Tweeting about it at @John_Lithgow.

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• Filed in Uncategorized
• Tags: Curb Your Enthusiasm, Dexter, Grey's Anatomy, Homer Simpson, Jason Alexander, Jerry Seinfeld, John Lithgow, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Kyle McLachlan, Larry David, Michael Richards, Mission: Impossible IV, Real Housewives of New Jersey, Real Housewives of NJ reunion, Seinfeld, Seinfeld reunion, T.R. Knight, TomTom, Twin Peaks, Twitter

All the tube news that’s fit to surf …

– Law & Order will go for a 20th season on NBC, tying it with classic CBS western Gunsmoke as the longest-running primetime drama.

– Here’s a sneak peek at Fox’s new fall shows, including the awesome Human Target and The Cleveland Show.

– The View co-host Sherri Shepherd will have to split her time between her daytime gig and her new Lifetime sitcom, Sherri, which was picked up by Lifetime today. The autobiographical-ish comedy revolves around Shepherd’s character dealing with her husband’s infidelity by inviting his babymama and her baby to move in with her.

– Send good thoughts to Survivor champ Ethan Zohn, who’s battling a rare form of Hodgkin’s disease.

– Conan O’Brien‘s first Tonight Show guests on June 1: Will Ferrell and Pearl Jam.

– 24 season eight will premiere on Fox with a two-night, four-hour event that kicks off on Jan. 17. Only eight more months to go! Season seven, BTW, even though it just ended last night, is already on DVD today.

– It’s a buzzkill that ABC cancelled Samantha Who?. Here’s hoping Christina Applegate is back on the tube ASAP.

– G4’s summer line-up will include series about wannabe poker champs in 2 Months, $2 Million, and comedians commenting on “outrageous clips from women around the world participating in unusual activities” in The International Sexy Ladies Show.

– Ricky Gervais will create an animated series for HBO, based on his popular and hilarious podcasts with pals Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

– Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice creator Shonda Rhimes‘ new series Inside the Box, about a Washington DC newsroom, didn’t make the cut for ABC’s fall schedule, and has, according to Deadline Hollywood Daily, been sent back for “redevelopment.” Maybe execs just realized that both of her existing series were so lame this season that they require her attention more?

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• Filed in 24, Comedy, Drama, Late Night, TV News
• Tags: 24, Christine Applegate, Conan O'Brien, DVD, Ethan Zohn, Grey's Anatomy, Gunsmoke, HBO, Human Target, Inside the Box, Law & Order, Lifetime, Pearl Jam, Private Practice, Ricky Gervais, Samantha Who?, Sherri, Sherri Shepherd, Shonda Rhimes, Survivor, The Cleveland Show, The View, Tonight Show, Will Ferrell

All the tube news that’s fit to surf …

– Did Izzie and George really die in the Grey’s Anatomy season finale? Meh. I find it more interesting that series creator Shonda Rhimes is living in denial about how ridiculous much of the show has become, including this season’s “ghost sex.”

– Time magazine TV critic James Poniewozik makes an excellent point about how the best comedy on TV is not necessarily always the funniest comedy on TV, using last night’s Alan Alda gem on 30 Rock as a jumping off point. Alda’s quip that referred to the classic M*A*S*H series finale is, hands down, the best, most clever quote of the whole TV season.

– Saturday Night Live airs its 34th season finale – with host Will Ferrell and musical guest Green Day – this weekend, while Fox sketch comedy counterpart MadTV airs its series finale.

– More from SNL: Sunday night’s SNL: Just Shorts special (9PM ET, NBC), a round-up of the show’s most memorable short films, including, of course, “Dick in a Box,” and one of my early favorites, the classic synchronized swimming clip with Martin Short and Harry Shearer.

– And another series finale: tonight’s Prison Break send-off (8PM ET, Fox).

– It makes me love Jonah Hill even more that he riffed on gruesome twosome Heidi and Spencer in a new Harper’s Bazaar interview and photo spread.

– “I want to go to there” is not the only 30 Rock catchphrase that originated with Tina Fey‘s daughter Alice, apparently.

– Thanks, Neal McDonough, for spoiling the Desperate Housewives season finale. Oh, okay, the fate of his Dave character wasn’t really a surprise, though he did also confirm in his appearance on The View Thursday that the rumor of a DH spin-off with Mrs. McCluskey (Kathryn Joosten) is true.

– Farrah Fawcett‘s documentary on her battle with cancer, Farrah’s Story, is set to air tonight on NBC (9PM ET), but as the Charlie’s Angels star is reportedly on her deathbed, a producer and her on-again, off-again love Ryan O’Neal are fighting over the video.

– USA Today has a good rundown of where the networks stand as they head into Upfront Week next week. Among the shows likely to be on the air next season: The Melrose Place remake, an NCIS spin-off and the return of Scrubs, while the fates of My Name Is Earl, Chuck, Medium, The Unit, Cold Case and Without a Trace are still up in the air.

– And somehow, I doubt Jon Stewart is really worried about Jim Cramer, through Cramer seems to suggest in a new Time magazine interview that he should be.

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• Filed in 30 Rock, Celebreality, Comedy, Drama, TV News
• Tags: 30 Rock, Alan Alda, Chuck, Cold Case, Desperate Housewives, Farrah Fawcett, Green Day, Grey's Anatomy, Harry Shearer, Heidi, James Poniewozik, Jim Cramer, Jon Stewart, Jonah Hill, Kathryn Joosten, M*A*S*H, MadTV, Martin Short, Medium, Melrose Place, My Name Is Earl, NCIS, Neal McDonough, Prison Break, Ryan O'Neal, Saturday Night Live, season finale, series finale, Shonda Rhimes, SNL, Spencer, spin-off, The Unit, Tina Fey, Will Ferrell, Without a Trace