(ALL TIMES ET)

9PM | USA – 3RD SEASON SUMMER FINALE
Royal Pains – Hank and Evan have it out when Evan learns Hank knew about Paige’s problem. Elsewhere, Wilmer Valderrama guest stars as an art collector who passes out when he finally sees a piece of art he’s been pursuing for years, and everyone finds out what Divya has been up to.

10PM | DIRECTV
Damages – Patty and Ellen depose Howard Erickson (John Goodman).

10PM | FX
Rescue Me – Colleen gets married, and when Gavins and booze come together … insanity, of course, ensues.

10PM | FOOD NETWORK
Restaurant: Impossible – Chef Robert goes to Scrimmages, a sports bar in Delaware that’s fumbling because the four owners are fighting with each other.

10 and 10:30PM | A&E
Storage Wars – Dave and Jarrod butt heads (more so than usual) and, just guessing here, Barry makes fun of both of them.

10PM | BRAVO
Top Chef Just Desserts – The Los Angeles Philharmonic is the inspiration for tonight’s challenge, which involves presenting a cake in three movements.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– The Power of Veto competition is held on Big Brother (8PM, CBS);
– On Famous Food (8PM, VH1), the restaurant finally opens, but the opening does not go well;
– Bianca tries to worm her way back into Drew’s life on Degrassi (9PM, TeenNick);
– The Challenge: Rivals Reunion (10PM, MTV) brings the contestants from the just-concluded 21st Real World/Road Rules Challenge together to rehash their adventures;
– In the season two finale of Hot in Cleveland (10PM, TV Land), it’s Elka’s (Betty White) wedding day, but she’s MIA after her bachelorette party, which included frat boys and an iguana.

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): John Krasinski (REPEAT);
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Sen. Dick Durbin (REPEAT);
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Kevin Mitnick (REPEAT);
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Aubrey Plaza and Thurston Moore;
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Jay Mohr and Allison Janney;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Betty White (REPEAT);
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Jim Gaffigan;
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Leslie Bibb and Louie Anderson;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Foster the People (REPEAT).

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• Filed in Betty White, Late Night, TV Picks
• Tags: Damages, Rescue Me, Restaurant: Impossible – Chef Robert, Royal Pains summer finale, Storage Wars, Top Chef Just Desserts

(ALL TIMES ET)

10:30PM | COMEDY CENTRAL – 1ST SEASON FINALE
Jon Benjamin Has a Van – Bob Odenkirk guest stars as a cult leader who crosses paths with Jon when Jon does a report on a religious sect that believes as one of its core tenants that Jesus smoked a pipe. Guess who picks up that habit himself, then?

9PM | USA
Royal Pains – Matt Lauer makes a cameo as Evan gets Hank an appearance on the Today show, without realizing that his bro has a major fear about public speaking.

9 and 9:30PM | LIFETIME
Roseanne’s Nuts – Roseanne‘s pals Phyllis Diller and Sandra Bernhard visit her in Hawaii, and a girls night out leads to a wicked hangover for Roseanne.

10PM | DIRECTV
Damages – In tonight’s installment, titled “We’ll Just Have to Find Another Way to Cut the Balls Off This Thing,” Patty hires a nurse to look after Catherine, while Ellen continues to battle Erickson (John Goodman) in court, which is made so much more difficult when Boorman (Dylan Baker) messes with her witness’ credibility.

10PM | FX
Rescue Me – Tommy and the gang try to cut reporter Pam Keppler off with a dose of her own medicine, while Sean works up the nerve to talk to Emily about their odor problem.

10 and 10:30PM | A&E
Storage Wars – Yeeeeeep, it’s true: Dave Hester faces his rival bidder at an auction in Mission Hills, California.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– The Power of Veto competition is held on Big Brother (8PM, CBS);
– The whole team turns against Danielle on Famous Food (8PM, VH1);
– The final four perform on part one of the season 8 finale of So You Think You Can Dance (8PM, Fox);
– An accident could result in Jenna losing custody of her baby on Degrassi (9PM, TeenNick);
– Oliver Stone‘s living room is transformed into a screening room on Hollywood Hi-Tech (9:30PM, DIY);
– On The Challenge: Rivals (10PM, MTV), Wes and Paula attack Cara Maria, and Laurel steps in to defend her;
– Primetime Nightline: Celebrity Secrets (10PM, ABC) covers the impact of being in showbiz on kids, including Rebecca Black and Eden Wood.

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Aziz Ansari;
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): John Coffee;
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Elliott Ackerman;
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Shia LaBeouf (REPEAT);
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Joel McHale;
– Lopez Tonight (Midnight, TBS): David Koechner and Jessica Alba;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Jesse Eisenberg, Incubus and Jerry Springer;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Snooki;
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Howie Mandel (REPEAT);
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Ben Schwartz (REPEAT).

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• Filed in Late Night, TV Picks
• Tags: Damages, Jon Benjamin Has a Van season finale, Rescue Me, Roseanne's Nuts, Royal Pains, Storage Wars

(ALL TIMES ET)

10PM | A&E – 2ND SEASON PREMIERE
Storage Wars – Back-to-back episodes kick off the surprise hit’s second season, which includes bespectacled Barry taking a member of Aerosmith to an auction. I loved the show in its first season, so here’s hoping it hasn’t lost its charms now that the “stars” of the show are, well, stars. Reality TV stars, but still.

9PM | LIFETIME
Roseanne’s Nuts – Roseanne gets another shot at the national anthem – remember her last one? – for a local softball game in Hawaii.

9PM | USA
Royal Pains – Hank and Evan head to Florida for Eddie’s (Henry Winkler) parole hearing. Free Fonzie!

9:30PM | DIY – SERIES PREMIERE
Hollywood Hi-Tech – The new series chronicles techie renovations in celeb homes. First up: Entourage star Kevin Connolly and his cool home theater, with raised seating, an HD projector and a 110-inch screen.

10PM | FX
Rescue Me – Lou faces the big FDNY physical, while Tommy faces – not well – the news that Jimmy is featured in a 9/11 documentary. Meanwhile, anyone but me wishing the show had ended when Uncle Teddy shot Tommy in the bar at the end of season five? Wouldn’t that have been the perfect ending to the series? This season … chipping away at what has been, at times, a really terrific show.

10PM | FOOD NETWORK
Restaurant: Impossible – Chef Robert Irvine tries to help a sweet little South Carolina restaurant called Sweet Tea. The name alone would make me try it at least once.

10PM | TRUTV – SERIES PREMIERE
South Beach Tow – The newly-single Jennifer Lopez is a producer on this new reality series, which follows a family who runs a tow-truck business in Florida.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– Famous Food (8PM, VH1) moves to Wednesday night, and in spite of my better judgment, I’m probably gonna TiVo it;
– Anya celebrates her 18th birthday on Degrassi (9PM, TeenNick);
– Kathy Najimy guest stars as a judge who put Franklin & Bash (9PM, TNT) on house arrest because of their courtroom antics;
– New Damages on DirecTV (10PM);
– Doris Roberts guest stars as Elka’s rival on Hot in Cleveland (10PM, TV Land);
– Adam tries to hook up with Jenn on Real World/Road Rules: The Challenge: Rivals (10PM, MTV);
– Michael Ian Black and S. Epatha Merkerson are among the guests at Rocco’s Dinner Party (10PM, Bravo);
– On Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry? (10PM, ID), a wife finds out her cop spouse is a serial rapist;
– Andy Richter guests on Jon Benjamin Has a Van (10:30PM, Comedy Central).

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Justin Timberlake;
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Steve Carell;
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Michael Sandel;
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Jeremy Piven and Cee-Lo Green;
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Daniel Craig and Gavin DeGraw;
– Lopez Tonight (Midnight, TBS): Michael Rapaport;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): John Stamos and Owl City;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Ryan Gosling and Andy Cohen;
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Breckin Meyer;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Janelle Monae (REPEAT).

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• Filed in Late Night, Reality, TV Picks
• Tags: Hollywood Hi-Tech, Rescue Me, Restaurant: Impossible, Roseanne's Nuts, Royal Pains, South Beach Tow, Storage Wars season 2

All the tube news that’s fit to surf …

– Ed McMahon, TV land’s greatest sidekick as Johnny Carson‘s announcer on The Tonight Show, has died at age 86. The Hollywood veteran had reportedly been battling bone cancer, among other illnesses.

– Yes, it’s true, we sadly haven’t seen the last of Jessica Simpson on reality TV. Simpson will star in The Price of Beauty for VH-1, where she’ll travel around the world and “study the local fashions, dietary fads and beauty regimes and even participate in some of the extreme practices she discovers.”

– Jon and Kate Gosselin confirmed that they’re separating on last night’s Jon & Kate Plus 8 (as if People.com’s confirmation that they’d filed divorce papers earlier in the day didn’t make their announcement moot), and now the speculation is already starting about a possible custody battle.

– Producer/writer Bryan Fuller has left Heroes again, which means there’s little chance of the tired show returning to its first-season glory.

– The View co-host, and Celiac disease book author, Elisabeth Hasselbeck is being sued by another Celiac disease book author, who claims E.H. stole her idea.

– Bravo is launching a new series in which host Andy Cohen will talk about … other Bravo series.

– And tonight in primetime:

– The fourth season premiere of America’s Got Talent (9PM ET, NBC), with newbie host Nick Cannon
– The series premiere of NYC Prep (10PM, Bravo)
– The Real Housewives of New Jersey Watch What Happens Reunion (9PM, Bravo)
– The second season premiere of The Cleaner (10PM, A&E)
– The premiere of the Battle of the Network Stars-ish The Superstars (8PM, ABC)
– Cloris Leachman and Theo Huxtable, a.k.a. Malcolm-Jamal Warner guest star on HawthoRNe (9PM, TNT)
– The finale of Life After People on History Channel (10PM)
– Rescue Me‘s creative resurgence continues on FX (10PM)
– And Ted learns about Phil and Lem’s fight club – make that a medieval fight club, in the Veridian basement – in a hilarious new episode of Better Off Ted (9:30PM, ABC)

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• Filed in TV News
• Tags: America's Got Talent, Andy Cohen, Better Off Ted, Bravo, Bryan Fuller, Cloris Leachman, Ed McMahon, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Hawthorne, Heroes, Jessica Simpson, Jon and Kate Gosselin divorce, Malcolm-Jamal Warner, Nick Cannon, NYC Prep, Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion, Rescue Me, The Cleaner, The Price of Beauty

Another 10 things I love about TV …

11. FX
Sons of Anarchy is one of my favorite new shows of the last few seasons, and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is the funniest show to revolve around mostly repulsive characters since Seinfeld. Throw in Rescue Me, Damages, The Shield, Nip/Tuck, not to mention reruns of The Bernie Mac Show and Malcolm in the Middle, and it’s no exaggeration that FX’s recent history of shows is right up there with HBO.

12. Michael J. Fox
Here’s my theory on why there are so many talented, funny thirtysomethings and fortysomethings in Hollywood: They grew up watching Saturday Night Live, Bugs Bunny cartoons and Michael J. Fox as Alex P. Keaton on Family Ties. Of course there’s also the Back to the Future flicks, but Fox as Reagan-loving Ohioan Alex, who was rebelling against his hippy ‘rents, was a genius of comic timing, and one of the most endearing TV actors, playing one of the most endearing sitcom characters, of all time. And it’s a pure treat to see him back in action, and playing very much against type, as Tommy’s salty, bitter romantic rival on Rescue Me, as well as his on his new TV special, Michael J. Fox: Adventures of an Incurable Optimist, which airs May 7 on ABC (10:02PM).

13. The Real Housewives of … Anywhere!
The Atlanta ladies were the ones who got me hooked on the franchise, the New York City women have turned out to be the feistiest, most dramatic, and I’ve even come around to enjoying the spoiled shenanigans of the Orange County chicks (well, except for Vicki … oooh, that Vicki!), but the bottom line is, they’re all guilty pleasure goddesses. Can’t wait for the Real Housewives of NYC reunion special next week (May 12, Bravo, 10PM), which is so full of catfighting that they had to split it into two episodes, as well as what may turn out to be the best spin-off of all, The Real Housewives of New Jersey (season premiere May 12, 11PM).

14. The Biggest Loser
It’s a feel good show, and a testament to the amazing things people can do, often starting from a pretty hopeless place, when they put their minds and bodies to it.

15. VH1 reality shows
Rock of Love, Tough Love, I Love Money, Flavor of Love, Breaking Bonaduce, Celebrity Rehab, Charm School, My Fair Brady, The Surreal Life … I’m not proud, but I’m even watching Daisy of Love.

16. Simon Cowell
Yes, sometimes he’s a tool, and yes, sometimes you might even disagree with him (though less and less frequently with each season). But the bottom line is that, no matter who wins American Idol each season, Simon is always the star of the show. American Idol without Simon is like … American Idol with only Randy and Paula. See what I mean?

17. The Cottonelle puppy commercials
I know, some people hate them, and hate that Zach Braff is voicing them, but puppy on a treadmill, puppy in a hot tub, hundreds of puppies on a staircase … cuteness gold.

18. The Bad Girls Club
From the same producers who gave us The Real World comes this reality series where several strangers are picked to live in a house, work together and have their lives taped, to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real … real skanky, real trashy, real potty-mouthed and real prone to smacking each other and dousing each other with various liquids. It’s good stuff.

19. Regis Philbin
He’s a great storyteller and charming host, but Regis’ best moments are the ones when he’s interviewing a guest he doesn’t know, or whose project he doesn’t know, and he doesn’t bother to pretend he does. He’s Regis damn it, and really, why would Regis know about some reality TV show Nick Lachey is producing? Reeg has earned the right not to know.

20. DIY Network
Still doin’ the NYC apartment thang, but when the hubs and I do buy a house, we’ll know how to regrout it, install cabinets and flooring in it, feed and water its lawn and be experts on its retaining walls, all thanks to the DIY Network. And, thanks to DIY Net’s arts and crafts shows, I’ll also know how to knit things for it, bead jewelry to wear in it and scrapbook the photos I take of it.

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• Filed in I Love TV!
• Tags: DIY Network, FX, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Michael J. Fox, Real Housewives, Regis Philbin, Rescue Me, Rock of Love, Simon Cowell, Sons of Anarchy, The Bad Girls Club, The Biggest Loser, VH1