(ALL TIMES ET)

10:30PM | COMEDY CENTRAL – 1ST SEASON FINALE
Jon Benjamin Has a Van – Bob Odenkirk guest stars as a cult leader who crosses paths with Jon when Jon does a report on a religious sect that believes as one of its core tenants that Jesus smoked a pipe. Guess who picks up that habit himself, then?

9PM | USA
Royal Pains – Matt Lauer makes a cameo as Evan gets Hank an appearance on the Today show, without realizing that his bro has a major fear about public speaking.

9 and 9:30PM | LIFETIME
Roseanne’s Nuts – Roseanne‘s pals Phyllis Diller and Sandra Bernhard visit her in Hawaii, and a girls night out leads to a wicked hangover for Roseanne.

10PM | DIRECTV
Damages – In tonight’s installment, titled “We’ll Just Have to Find Another Way to Cut the Balls Off This Thing,” Patty hires a nurse to look after Catherine, while Ellen continues to battle Erickson (John Goodman) in court, which is made so much more difficult when Boorman (Dylan Baker) messes with her witness’ credibility.

10PM | FX
Rescue Me – Tommy and the gang try to cut reporter Pam Keppler off with a dose of her own medicine, while Sean works up the nerve to talk to Emily about their odor problem.

10 and 10:30PM | A&E
Storage Wars – Yeeeeeep, it’s true: Dave Hester faces his rival bidder at an auction in Mission Hills, California.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– The Power of Veto competition is held on Big Brother (8PM, CBS);
– The whole team turns against Danielle on Famous Food (8PM, VH1);
– The final four perform on part one of the season 8 finale of So You Think You Can Dance (8PM, Fox);
– An accident could result in Jenna losing custody of her baby on Degrassi (9PM, TeenNick);
– Oliver Stone‘s living room is transformed into a screening room on Hollywood Hi-Tech (9:30PM, DIY);
– On The Challenge: Rivals (10PM, MTV), Wes and Paula attack Cara Maria, and Laurel steps in to defend her;
– Primetime Nightline: Celebrity Secrets (10PM, ABC) covers the impact of being in showbiz on kids, including Rebecca Black and Eden Wood.

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Aziz Ansari;
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): John Coffee;
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Elliott Ackerman;
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Shia LaBeouf (REPEAT);
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Joel McHale;
– Lopez Tonight (Midnight, TBS): David Koechner and Jessica Alba;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Jesse Eisenberg, Incubus and Jerry Springer;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Snooki;
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Howie Mandel (REPEAT);
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Ben Schwartz (REPEAT).

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• Filed in Late Night, TV Picks
• Tags: Damages, Jon Benjamin Has a Van season finale, Rescue Me, Roseanne's Nuts, Royal Pains, Storage Wars

(ALL TIMES ET)

10PM | A&E – 2ND SEASON PREMIERE
Storage Wars – Back-to-back episodes kick off the surprise hit’s second season, which includes bespectacled Barry taking a member of Aerosmith to an auction. I loved the show in its first season, so here’s hoping it hasn’t lost its charms now that the “stars” of the show are, well, stars. Reality TV stars, but still.

9PM | LIFETIME
Roseanne’s Nuts – Roseanne gets another shot at the national anthem – remember her last one? – for a local softball game in Hawaii.

9PM | USA
Royal Pains – Hank and Evan head to Florida for Eddie’s (Henry Winkler) parole hearing. Free Fonzie!

9:30PM | DIY – SERIES PREMIERE
Hollywood Hi-Tech – The new series chronicles techie renovations in celeb homes. First up: Entourage star Kevin Connolly and his cool home theater, with raised seating, an HD projector and a 110-inch screen.

10PM | FX
Rescue Me – Lou faces the big FDNY physical, while Tommy faces – not well – the news that Jimmy is featured in a 9/11 documentary. Meanwhile, anyone but me wishing the show had ended when Uncle Teddy shot Tommy in the bar at the end of season five? Wouldn’t that have been the perfect ending to the series? This season … chipping away at what has been, at times, a really terrific show.

10PM | FOOD NETWORK
Restaurant: Impossible – Chef Robert Irvine tries to help a sweet little South Carolina restaurant called Sweet Tea. The name alone would make me try it at least once.

10PM | TRUTV – SERIES PREMIERE
South Beach Tow – The newly-single Jennifer Lopez is a producer on this new reality series, which follows a family who runs a tow-truck business in Florida.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– Famous Food (8PM, VH1) moves to Wednesday night, and in spite of my better judgment, I’m probably gonna TiVo it;
– Anya celebrates her 18th birthday on Degrassi (9PM, TeenNick);
– Kathy Najimy guest stars as a judge who put Franklin & Bash (9PM, TNT) on house arrest because of their courtroom antics;
– New Damages on DirecTV (10PM);
– Doris Roberts guest stars as Elka’s rival on Hot in Cleveland (10PM, TV Land);
– Adam tries to hook up with Jenn on Real World/Road Rules: The Challenge: Rivals (10PM, MTV);
– Michael Ian Black and S. Epatha Merkerson are among the guests at Rocco’s Dinner Party (10PM, Bravo);
– On Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry? (10PM, ID), a wife finds out her cop spouse is a serial rapist;
– Andy Richter guests on Jon Benjamin Has a Van (10:30PM, Comedy Central).

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Justin Timberlake;
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Steve Carell;
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Michael Sandel;
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Jeremy Piven and Cee-Lo Green;
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Daniel Craig and Gavin DeGraw;
– Lopez Tonight (Midnight, TBS): Michael Rapaport;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): John Stamos and Owl City;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Ryan Gosling and Andy Cohen;
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Breckin Meyer;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Janelle Monae (REPEAT).

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• Filed in Late Night, Reality, TV Picks
• Tags: Hollywood Hi-Tech, Rescue Me, Restaurant: Impossible, Roseanne's Nuts, Royal Pains, South Beach Tow, Storage Wars season 2

(ALL TIMES ET)

9 and 9:30PM | LIFETIME – SERIES PREMIERE
Roseanne’s Nuts – Roseanne Barr, the star of one of the greatest sitcoms of all time, returns to TV with this reality series, which finds her operating a 40-acre macadamia nut farm in Hawaii. Does the title of the show refer to her farm, or Roseanne herself? As she would, and does, say, a little of both. It’s an entertaining viewing experience either way.

8PM | CBS
Big Brother – The episode’s supposed to unfold the whole story behind why Evel Dick already quit.

9PM | ESPN
ESPY Awards – Seth Meyers hosts the 19th annual sports awards show, live from Los Angeles, where Best Male Athlete nominees include Jimmie Johnson and Aaron Rodgers, Best Female Athlete contenders include Lindsey Vonn and Lauren Jackson, and presenters include Jason Bateman, Justin Timberlake, Cee Lo Green, Danica Patrick and Serena Williams.

10PM | DIRECTV – 4TH SEASON PREMIERE
Damages – The same night Roseanne is back on the tube with her reality series, her former TV hubby, the always fantastic John Goodman, debuts on Damages as Howard T. Erickson, the CEO of military contracting company High Star. And, yes, he’s this season’s bad dude.

10PM | SHOWTIME – SERIES PREMIERE
The Franchise: A Season with the San Francisco Giants – The docuseries follows the Giants as they return to defend their World Series crown, including pitcher Barry Zito‘s early season stint on the DL.

10PM | DISCOVERY – SERIES PREMIERE
One Man Army – Green Beret Mykel Hawke hosts this extreme reality competition, in which special forces  ops, law enforcement officials, mixed martial arts athletes and other extreme sports practitioners are pitted against each other in physical competitions that the average person would have no shot at pulling off.

10PM | FX – 7TH SEASON PREMIERE
Rescue Me – The final season begins, and a new friendship – Janet and Sheila! – spells trouble for Tommy. Meanwhile, Mickey and Teddy start a business together, Black Shawn wants to get more serious with Colleen and Damien is still wheelchair-bound after his accident last season.

10:30PM | ID – SERIES PREMIERE
I Married a Mobster – There are the Mob Wives, and then there are the women in this new reality series – narrated by The Sopranos and Goodfellas star Lorraine Bracco – which details the very non-glamorous lives of real New York mafia wives.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– The top 12 perform on So You Think You Can Dance (8PM, Fox), while Modern Family star Jesse Tyler Ferguson is a guest judge;
– Tonight’s Franklin & Bash episode (9PM, TNT) is titled “Franklin vs. Bash” … uh oh;
– On Royal Pains (9PM, USA), best friends and business partners come to Hank when they worry the cleaning product they sell is making one of them sick;
– On The Challenge: Rivals (10PM, MTV), CT stirs up trouble by trying to pit a couple of the females against each other, but he’s the one in for a surprise;
– Dangerous Liaison: What Happened in Room 2806 (10PM, CNBC) goes behind-the-scenes on the Dominique Strauss-Kahn case;
– Chef Irvine helps a twentysomething revamp her family’s Italian restaurant in Philadelphia on Restaurant: Impossible (10PM, Food Network);
– It’s the season 2 premiere of Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry (10PM, ID), the reality series about spouses who find out shocking truths about the people they married;
– Jon gives a dog owner a makeover on Jon Benjamin Has a Van (10:30PM, Comedy Central).

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Morgan Spurlock, Tyler Perry and the Strokes (REPEAT);
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Matthew Richardson;
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): David McCullough;
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Ryan Gosling;
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Craig Ferguson;
– Lopez Tonight (Midnight, TBS): Randy Jackson (REPEAT);
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Jason Bateman (REPEAT);
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Blake Shelton, Joe Jonas and Gabourey Sidibe;
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): DJ Qualls;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Adam Carolla (REPEAT).

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• Filed in Award shows, Celebreality, Late Night, TV Picks
• Tags: Damages season 4, ESPY Awards, Evel Dick, I Married a Mobster, John Goodman, One Man Army, Rescue Me season 7, Roseanne, Roseanne's Nuts, The Franchise: A Season with the San Francisco Giants