(ALL TIMES ET)

10PM | COMEDY CENTRAL
Roast of Charlie Sheen – Never has there been a celeb more roastable, or who provided more roasting fodder. Now, if we can all just figure out what the frick roaster Mike Tyson is saying …

8PM | ABC – 13TH SEASON PREMIERE
Dancing With the Stars – To those DWTS fans upset about Chaz Bono‘s participation this season, eh, get over it … you’re watching a show about D-list celebrities performing dances that haven’t been hip since The Lawrence Welk Show. Bono, along with Ricki Lake, the always unpredictable David Arquette and the chance that Nancy Grace will make an even bigger ass of herself, almost makes this thing worth watching this season. Almost.

8PM | CBS – 7TH SEASON PREMIERE
How I Met Your Mother – Back-to-back episodes open the new season, and include Robin fretting over whether or not to tell Barney she still has feelings for him.

8PM | NBC – 3RD SEASON PREMIERE
The Sing-off – Pop star Sara Bareilles joins the judging panel as eight of the 16 a cappella groups competing this season perform in the opener.

9PM | CBS – 9TH SEASON PREMIERE
Two and a Half Men – Before he gets killed by snarky to downright mean comments during his Comedy Central roast, Charlie Sheen‘s character, Charlie Harper, officially bites the dust on Men, as Ashton Kutcher joins the cast as brokenhearted rich dude Walden Schmidt.

9:30PM | CBS – SERIES PREMIERE
2 Broke Girls – It’s a comedy, from co-creators Michael Patrick King (Sex and the City) and comedienne Whitney Cummings, and it revolves around two broke girls, Max (Kat Dennings) and formerly rich chick Caroline (Beth Behrs), who work as Brooklyn waitresses and become roommates so they can save money to open their own cupcake shop. Because that’s such a novel idea, in New York City, these days. Anyway, is it funny? I’ve seen only the pilot, and, well, no, not yet.

10PM | LOGO
The A-List: New York – Oh, Austin. He and Jake and trying to finalize plans for their wedding, but one of Austin’s frienemies is claiming Jake cheated on Austin, and Austin, always, is ticking off those around him.

10PM | ABC – 4TH SEASON PREMIERE
Castle – Beckett fights for her life after being shot, and who’s her new precinct captain? Wily Sherry Palmer, a.k.a. 24 alum Penny Johnson Jerald (who so should have won an Emmy for her 24 gig).

10PM | CBS – 2ND SEASON PREMIERE
Hawaii Five-O – After last season’s disastrous ending, McGarrett opens the season in prison for the governor’s murder, but Danny has a friend who might be able to help, and that friend looks an awful lot like Lost star Terry O’Quinn. Because he is.

10PM | NBC – SERIES PREMIERE
The Playboy Club – Eddie Cibrian, he of the LeAnn Rimes love triangle scandal, stars as a 1960s Chicago attorney and Playboy Club key holder who helps a new Club Bunny when she’s assaulted by a mobster and accidentally kills him. Must see? Mmm, no, nor is it as scandalous as the pre-season hubbub might suggest, but it’s worth a look.

11:59PM | HBO
The Strange History of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell – Documentarians Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato directed this special on Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, which airs just as the ban is repealed, effective on Sept. 20.

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– If you’re one of those people who have yet to dive into the wacky world of Liz Lemon and company on 30 Rock, catch it from the beginning, every weeknight from 7-8PM, on Comedy Central;
– Carter and Jo have to deal with an attack on the presidential convoy on the fourth season finale of Eureka (8PM, Syfy);
– On Hell’s Kitchen (8PM, Fox), a winner is chosen in the ninth season finale;
– On Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (9PM, Bravo), Kim‘s behavior brings up those discussions about her alleged alcoholism again;
– There’s a zombie-ish breakout in New York on Warehouse 13 (9PM, Syfy);
– History Channel has back-to-back new episodes of Pawn Stars (10PM);
– The team checks out a werewolf attack at a porn shoot on Death Valley (10:30PM, MTV).

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Ryan Gosling and Nicole Scherzinger;
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Ted Danson;
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Simon Cowell;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Dr. Phil;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Bruce Springsteen (REPEAT);
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Keith Olbermann;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Author Sarah Vowell (REPEAT).

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• Filed in 30 Rock, Late Night, Real Housewives, TV Picks, TV Specials
• Tags: 2 Broke Girls, Castle season premiere, Charlie Sheen roast, Dancing With the Stars season premiere, Hawaii Five-O season premiere, How I Met Your Mother season premiere, The A-List: New York, The Playboy Club, The Sing-off season premiere, The Strange History of Don't Ask Don't Tell, Two and a Half Men season premiere