(ALL TIMES ET)

10PM | FX – 2ND SEASON FINALE
Archer – Guess who’s in love? Archer. Yes, playboy Sterling Archer has fallen hard for a KGB agent named Katya, and he even brings her home to meet mom. Mallory, and Archer’s ex, Lana, are less than happy to meet his new beloved though, and that – along with the reappearance of the vengeance-minded Barry – leads to an ending that’s even more surprising, and hilarious, than the idea of Archer settling down.

8PM | FOX
American Idol – Yet again, I’ll say it should be Stefano who gets the boot, but that cheesy Chachi knock-off seems to have staying power, so don’t be too surprised if someone else is sent packing.

8PM | FOX
Bones – Booth calls on his old soldier pal Walter Sherman (7th Heaven star Geoff Stults) to help him with a case, in an episode that sets up a potential Bones spin-off that would star Stults.

8PM | NBC
Community – It’s flashback time, as the group strolls down memory lane, while Troy’s monkey returns and then disappears again, prompting Senor Chang to chase after him. The twist with the flashbacks: We’ve never actually seen them before.

8PM | THE CW
The Vampire Diaries – More flashback fun: We go back to 1941, where we find out the origins of the moonstone curse and see Katherine being introduced to Klaus and Elijah.

9PM | NBC
The Office – Just one week until Steve Carell‘s final episode, and tonight, Michael Scott hosts his finale Dundies. Elsewhere, Erin begins to realize that she really doesn’t like her boyfriend, Gabe. Join the club, sister.

9:30PM | NBC
Parks & Recreation – When Leslie joins an online dating site, she gets paired up with someone she already knows.

10PM | FOOD NETWORK – 2ND SEASON PREMIERE
24-Hour Restaurant Battle – I’m missing Scott Conant on Chopped this season, so it’ll be good to see him back on the tube every week on Battle. In tonight’s season two opener, he welcomes two former couples who duke it out with each other, armed with clam chowder and BBQ octopus.

10PM | NBC
30 Rock – It’s a one-hour episode to mark the show’s 100th episode, but all is not well in the halls of 30 Rock, because TGS has been marked for cancellation, sending Liz Lemon and company into fast and furious action to try to save their jobs.

10PM | BRAVO
Real Housewives of New York City – While Alex tries to make up with the increasingly unlikable Sonja, Ramona and crazy Kelly begin their feud anew. And speaking of Ramona, and crazy, she hits the catwalk again, crazy eyes and all.

11:35PM | NBC – SNEAK PREVIEW
The Voice – American Idol has, yet again, become tiresome, and though the thought of another singing competition series also sounds tiresome, preview clips of The Voice have introduced some interesting concepts, namely that the judges/mentors – Adam Levine, Cee Lo Green, Christina Aguilera and Blake Shelton – can’t see the contestants perform until they’ve committed to working with them. Tonight, NBC gives viewers a 12-minute preview of the show, which premieres on April 26. Are you gonna watch?

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– The 12,000 Bottle Boat (8PM, NGC) follows the adventures of environmentalist David de Rothschild as he builds, and sets sail in, a boat made of 12,000 recycled plastic bottles;
– Henry Rollins guest stars on The Paul Reiser Show (8:30PM, NBC), which is the only reason I can think of to watch this disappointingly lame, wannabe Curb Your Enthusiasm comedy;
– Three episodes of Royal Wedding of a Lifetime (8PM, Lifetime) focus on Kate Middleton‘s dress, the menu for next week’s royal wedding and the similarities between Middleton and Princess Diana;
– For those of you with DirecTV, Beverly Hills 90210 god Jason Priestley makes a great comeback in the Canadian comedy Call Me Fitz (9PM, DirecTV Channel 101), in which he plays a sex-addicted car salesman;
– Nikita (9PM, The CW) comes up with a plan to pull Alex out of Division, but Alex is sent on a mission before Nikita can put her plot into action;
– Sarah Palin is the subject of tonight’s E! True Hollywood Story (10PM, E!);
– Bad news: It’s the second one finale for Chris Elliott‘s cheeky comedy Eagleheart (11:59PM, Adult Swim). The good news: It’s been renewed for a second season.

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Reese Witherspoon;
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Tracy Morgan (REPEAT);
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): Ray Kurzweil (REPEAT);
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Steve Martin (REPEAT);
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Bradley Cooper and Duran Duran (REPEAT);
– Lopez Tonight (Midnight, TBS): Tyler Perry;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Christoph Waltz;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Howard Stern (REPEAT);
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Alfred Molina;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Tom Shadyac (REPEAT).

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• Filed in 30 Rock, American Idol, Late Night, Real Housewives, The Office
• Tags: 24-Hour Restaurant Battle, 30 Rock, American Idol, Archer, Bones, Community, Parks & Recreation, Real Housewives of New York City, The Office Dundies, The Vampire Diaries, The Voice

(ALL TIMES ET)

9PM | NBC
The Office – Remember Threat Level Midnight, that script the gang found in Michael’s desk? Well, it turns out he actually produced the movie (with staffers current and former as the cast), and tonight he’s going to unspool his “Michael Scott Joint” for Holly and the gang. Their reviews? Well, he might have a tough time finding even two thumbs up.

8PM | FOX
American Idol – Hollywood rounds, third episode. Don’t worry, we’re almost there. Next week: the top 20 is revealed.

8PM | CBS
The Big Bang Theory – Leonard starts dating Raj’s sister again.

8PM | NBC
Community – Pierce pretends to be dead and leaves the study group with final gifts, but the dead dude’s gifts turn out to be even more troubling than Pierce’s usual shenanigans.

8PM | THE CW
The Vampire Diaries – Stefan ‘fesses up to Elena that he used to be a vicious murderer who killed members of her family. Ladies … dealbreaker?

9PM | CBS
CSI – Justin Bieber returns as troubled teen Jason McCann, who warns Nick about a dangerous situation.

9PM | DISCOVERY – 6TH SEASON PREMIERE
Man vs. Wild – Bear sees it all in Arizona, from scorching deserts to bone-chillingly cold mountains.

9:30PM | NBC
Parks and Recreation – While Andy tries to woo April back, Ben is haunted by his past as a famous teen mayor.

10PM | NBC
30 Rock – This sounds like a triple winner: Jenna tries to help Liz rebound from her breakup with Carol, Jack loses his business mojo when the baby keeps him from sleeping and Frank and Pete form a rock band (so getting visions of Jeffster! here).

10PM | FX
Archer – While Archer and Lana are off in New Orleans on a case (well, and to get a vacay in the Big Easy, as far as Archer’s concerned), Mallory orders the office to go green … yep, she wants the “freebie socialist tax credits.”

Worth flipping to during commercials:
– The Yule Log Jam and, of course, the Big Balls are among the obstacles on Winter Wipeout (8PM, ABC);
– Infamous Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Camille Grammer guest stars in the first season finale of $#*! My Dad Says (8:30PM, CBS);
– Harsh: a wedding planner is found dead, in a tanning bed, on Valentine’s Day on Bones (9PM, Fox);
– On Grey’s Anatomy (9PM, ABC), Bailey and Eli, um, connect;
– When Alex is double crossed by a friend, guess who has to rescue her? Yep, Michael and Nikita (9PM, The CW);
– Colleen participates in a major prostitution sting on Police Women of Cincinnati (9PM, TLC);
– Hank thinks there’s a medical reason a woman can’t relax in the Hamptons on Royal Pains (9PM, USA);
– Country crooner Clay Walker is shocked by the prices when he looks for a Big Apple home on Selling New York (9PM, HGTV);
– Ronnie bums about Sammi‘s departure and Deena gets so sloppy drunk that Situation anoints her the “sloppopotamus” on The Jersey Shore (10PM, MTV);
– Hightower goes into the field with Jane when Lisbon is injured on The Mentalist (10PM, CBS);
– Addison returns home, with her friends in tow, on Private Practice (10PM, ABC);
– Chris Elliott stars in a new Eagleheart on Adult Swim (11:59PM, Cartoon Network).

And the late-night line-up:
– Conan (11PM, TBS): Martin Short and Chris Bosh;
– The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (11PM, Comedy Central): Ed Gillespie;
– The Colbert Report (11:30PM, Comedy Central): TBA;
– The Late Show with David Letterman (11:35PM, CBS): Nathan Fillion, Paris Hilton and the Scissor Sisters;
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (11:35PM, NBC): Jenna Fischer and Abigail Breslin;
– Lopez Tonight (Midnight, TBS): J-WOWW, Far East Movement and Hayden Panettiere;
– Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05AM, ABC): Jason Sudekis and Keri Hilson;
– Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (12:35AM, NBC): Michael Showalter and William H. Macy;
– The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (12:37AM, CBS): Sarah Chalke and Louie Anderson;
– Last Call with Carson Daly (1:35AM, NBC): Director David O. Russell.

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• Filed in 30 Rock, American Idol, Late Night, The Office, TV Picks
• Tags: $#*! My Dad Says season finale, 30 Rock, American Idol, Archer, Community, CSI, Justin Bieber CSI, Man vs. Wild, Parks and Recreation, The Big Bang Theory, The Office, The Vampire Diaries

All the tube news that’s fit to surf …

– The CW wants viewers for its new teen vampire series The Vampire Diaries … and it wants their blood, too. The network is partnering with the American Red Cross for a series of blood drives at high schools and colleges across the country, where those who donate can watch clips from the show, get show swag and, in some places, meet Vampire Diaries cast members. The show, adapted from a series of novels by L.J. Smith and produced and written by Dawson’s Creek creator Kevin Williamson, debuts on Sept. 10.

– Another interesting promo effort: The House “Snakes on a cane” campaign that fans have been guessing about all summer. Turns out that House star Hugh Laurie was behind the idea, and even sketched the original logo for the campaign.

– Explain this logic: Michael Jackson‘s death has suddenly made his wackadoo sister LaToya a sane choice to be a guest host on The View and now a Barbara Walters interview subject? Worse: The Walters/LaToya chat will air on ABC’s 20/20 on 9/ 11, a date when there are certainly more relevant topics for discussion …

– Speaking of the Jacksons people really only care about in the wake of Michael Jackson’s death, A&E will debut its reality series starring the family, Jackson Family Dynasty, later this year.

– The next TV show being adapted as a big-screen movie: Soul Train (?!).

– Tony Danza has begun his orientation to become a high school English teacher in Philadelphia, which will be the basis of his new reality show for A&E.

– The Real Housewives will be a syndicated series for fall 2010.

– Neil Patrick Harris as an American Idol judge? Why not? Everybody loves NPH, and besides, after Quentin Tarantino, anything makes sense.

– Chuck Bass is reportedly going to be involved in a same-sex lip-lock this season on Gossip Girl. It appears to be a one-time scenario though, unlike in the Gossip books, where Chuck was bisexual.

– And another same-sex TV romance, Guiding Light‘s Olivia (Crystal Chappell) and Natalia (Jessica Leccia) will live on online – sorta – even after the daytime soap’s Sept. 18 series finale. Chappell, who’s reprising a role on Days of Our Lives after Light ends, and Leccia, will co-star in a new Web series called Venice, and will play two new characters engaged in a romance.

– If Animal from The Muppets was a judge on America’s Got Talent, I think it would look something like this.

– And tonight in primetime:

– It’s the continuing story of Wipeout and the big red balls on ABC at 8PM ET
– Get a look at the Lego factory in Travel Channel’s Extreme Mega Factories (8PM)
– What’s car bowling? Find out on the new series Crash Course (9PM, ABC)
– Wil Wheaton guest stars on Leverage (9PM, TNT) as Nate and the gang try to snag valuable art back from a band of thieves
– The top 20 is set after tonight’s America’s Got Talent (9PM, NBC)
– Bear goes to Vietnam where he eats a scorpion and tussles with a snake on Man vs. Wild (9PM, Discovery)
– The Biography channel has a new Biography episode on Metallica (9PM)
– Real World: Cancun tonight (10PM, MTV) = a threesome. And not with the three you might be thinking …
– Adam‘s in San Francisco and plans to finish the two-gallon Kitchen Sink Sundae at the San Francisco Creamery Co. on Man vs. Food (10PM, Travel Channel)
– Michael Biehn guest stars on a new Dark Blue (10PM, TNT) in which the crew goes after a crooked cop
– It’s men vs. women on Top Chef: Las Vegas (10PM, Bravo)
– Criss tries to levitate an entire Las Vegas audience on Criss Angel: Mindfreak (10PM, A&E)
– On Dinner: Impossible (10PM, Food Network), Robert has to turn amusement park food into fancy fare at Six Flags
– More kiddie beauty pageant creepiness on Toddlers & Tiaras (10PM, TLC)
– Michael & Michael Have Issues (10:30PM, Comedy Central) with appearing on a rival’s comedy show in their first season finale

• 1 Comment
• Filed in Boob Tube to Big Screen, TV News
• Tags: Guiding Light Olivia and Natalia, Kevin Williamson, Neil Patrick Harris American Idol, snakes on a cane House, Soul Train movie, The Vampire Diaries, Tony Danza teacher

Here’s the official line-up from The CW, followed by the network’s description of its new series:

THE CW PRIMETIME SCHEDULE: FALL 2009
(All Times ET/PT)

MONDAY
8PM – Gossip Girl
9PM – One Tree Hill

TUESDAY
8PM – 90210
9PM – Melrose Place

WEDNESDAY
8PM – America’s Next Top Model
9PM – The Beautiful Life

THURSDAY
8PM – The Vampire Diaries
9PM – Supernatural

FRIDAY
8PM – Smallville
9PM – America’s Next Top Model encore

…Read more

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• Filed in Comedy, Drama, TV News
• Tags: 90210, Ashlee Simpson, Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, Ashton Kutcher, Corbin Bleu, CW, Fall season, Kevin Williamson, Laura Leighton, Melrose Place, Michael Mancini, Mischa Barton, New shows, Remake, Smallville, Supernatural, Sydney Andrews, The Beautiful Life, The Vampire Diaries, Thomas Calabro